Bie

{Funny} Aussie convert story to Islam

2012-02-12T14:17:00.000+08:00

Full version.

Reuben Abou Bakr, converti australien (1ère partie) / Famous Australian ...

2012-02-12T12:46:00.000+08:00

Ustaz shared this video during class just now about this man who ventured different religion and finally settled on Islam. Is really a nice and funny speech,albeit please try to understand his aussie accent. I'm enjoying my sunday class now. Really surprise to know that most of them have started working only left with like 7 of us who are still schooling. You don't have to feel awkward just because you are old or have started working. In fact, it take a lot of disciplin for these people to come down for 3 hours every sunday to go through this diploma. I guess, my decision to continue with my diploma in religious study wasn't a wrong foot put forward. :D

2012-02-08T08:57:00.002+08:00

Too many things is going through my mind. All I can say , my end in mind is the end of February where all my so called stress would end. However that is not so soon though since I've had many other things going on at the same time. I don't wish to complain neither sigh at the fact that school has taken part of my leisure time away especially with my friends , i remember reading a quote, Swimming against the current can only make me stronger.

Thinking again, how many more months or maybe years am i left with to go through school. Where i could enjoy the comfort of not working and getting monthly allowance, enjoying months and months of long holidays and just laze around at the comfort of my own home while my parents are out there working hard to provide for my education. Therefore the least I could do for them for the next few months or maybe years is to work hard and afterwhich repay every of their kind deed.

I took back religious study, pursuing in diploma level now. I've been comtemplating eversince I ended my secondary level in religious study, I did tell myself that i wanted a year break however a year became two years and since i kept praying each night that i want to do well in both ' duniawi and ukhrawi' and did not take any initiative to improve myself or be ready for the afterworld i decided that this year would be a change and the only reason why i choose not to give tuition anymore which eventually i did after much comtemplation again. After about a month of going for my religious class, firstly i am proud that i did not fall asleep like how i used too during my secondary days, maybe because this time it's nearer to home and shorter hours. My first thought when i apply for it, i told myself, i'll be the oldest in class, much to my surprise, there are many others who are much much older than me and maybe some who are getting married or maybe already married. The point i am trying to bring out here is that this people despite their age are still coming to class and feels very passionate to learn about our religion. However i must say how disappointing it is to see parents nowadays not even enrolling their child to a religious school yet could pay hundreds or maybe thousands of dollars for tuitions and enrichment classes. I remember my uztaz sharing with us that the we are in this world for a while and that it is to prepare ourselves for the afterlife. Going for my religious class has actually made me wiser in my actions. I'm still working with my iman to ensure that i could feel what having true 'iman' is and to quote from the ustaz, ' Tak semestinya orang yang memakai tudung itu tak boleh buat dosa, mereka tetap manusia biasa yang tak luput daripada melakukan dosa. Tetapi dosa mereka berkurangan sekarang kerana mereka telah menutup aurat.'

We have to stop judging people who put on scarf, their nawaitu is good. However, we need to give them time to slowly built up their iman. Alhamdulillah, eversince i put on scarf i could see some of my cousins who started to don the scarf too. Hopefully, Allah shall lead people like me to the right path and insya-allah to jannah.

Tuition has started last week and i had to encounter one of the most funny moments like giving a surprise to someone. Everyone has been telling me that my route is to be a teacher even my own lecturer in poly. Really? I shall consider because for now, though i really love teaching, i don't have much confidence after encountering two failures from my tutees. I am not so sure, if i was the reason or maybe just them. Being a teacher is not just simply being one but you have to have some added value in you which is psychology. Why psychology? With psychology, a teacher can easily or slowly know how to encounter difficult students to achieve a desired results or achieve something out in life. Hoping and praying along the way that they will be successful one day. There are many aspects to be a teacher. I must say that one of the greatest joy a teacher has accomplished just by being a teacher even how nasty they are is that they have shared their knowledge and to see their student growing up with the knowledge that they have passed down.

I'm inspired to write more than this because i've tons of things to share but for now, i guess i shall keep to this, as usual my pictures are not loading. Thus I can't share. A question to keep you thinking before i end this because it has been at the back of my mind as i get closer to Year 3 and eventually graduation,' What do you do after getting a diploma?' Work? Study? Travel? " What do you want to pursue in if you work?"

Declaration of a Human.

I hereby declare, i am human. I am human in my joy and laughter and i am human in my pain and tears. I am human in my need to love and help others and in my need to be loved and helped by others. I am human in my dreams and accomplishments, but most of all i am human in my flaws and mistakes.

2012-01-27T12:09:00.004+08:00

One thing which I love to do is to read inspirational stories. Just like the above one.

Sorry for the lack of updates. I did promised my self to update frequently, however due to time constraint, i can't do much. The cycle has been like this since the start of school. Rushing for project after one project ended, have to study for exams, after exams, have to quickly finish up another project and after another project submitted, another project to present, after that another few exams to study..I don't think i am the only one who is facing this, many other poly students would share my sentiments.

I might be on hiatus for a month or maybe longer depending on how well i can cope with studies, teaching and working.

With that, i leave you with my photoshoot and prayers,may you have a good day ahead. <3

"Different Journeys but Same Destination" - Saffanah

2012-01-24T12:35:00.000+08:00

Saw this video and thought that it was good to share. Hopefully one day, most of us will don the hijab. Insya-Allah

2012-01-17T20:39:00.003+08:00

Meet my awesome cousin from my father's side. They might look new to you right? This photo shall be a bonus then because we only meet every six months or maybe once a year. Pardon my face while the two siblings are smiling because they didn't follow my instruction of making cranky faces. Obviously there are more than the two of them from my father's side, the sad thing is that we didn't take any photo together on that day. Blame me for being an introvert person. Thus, when it comes to my father's side, I am not as well known as my sis. Some don't even know my existent. As saddening as it seems, i can't say anything but to continue doing my rounds with my parents each time a cousin got married just for them to know me better and vice versa.

I'm done with my CCA, shall I say 'At last!'. I am happy enough to settle for a Gold with Honour now and the many many friends I make with, during the camp, Open house, JAE and Bintan Trip. It feels great to walk around the school and having almost everyone saying 'hi' to you. I am not that introvert afterall, all it takes is for me to step out of my comfort zone.

Now that I am done with my CCA, i will be back studying for my exams which are drawing nearer and so is my internship plus the sunday class which i am currently pursuing and not forgetting my new batch of students which i will be teaching. Once my internship starts my days will go like this, Monday to Friday- Work, Saturday- Work and Teach, Sunday- School and Teach. At times, I wonder where I get my energy from. Since my parents and sister is not at home most of the time and neither am I asked out, I thought why not use my time to do something which i kept telling my dad that I will do and been praying to Allah but failed to enrol for the past 2 years. With that, I am actually practicing Habit 1, which is to be proactive. Hopefully this new journey I am embarking on shall be a changing point for me and to see things from different perspective. I have been trying to be active in anything I am doing now and to give my best. I am proud of myself because despite the hectic schedule I put myself in, i tend to procrastinate lesser unlike previous time. I did not recall setting a resolution to procrastinate lesser but in my view, everyone should work towards becoming someone better and improve on our weaknesses whenever we can.

School, my oh my.

I just ended a test last week and moving on I'm working on 2 more deadlines and more test and exams ahead. Thankfully lessons are getting shorter and since I am not occupied anymore with my CCA, i'm happy that more time is spent on studying. I talked to a couple of my teachers during JAE on how stressed i feel being in my class with everyone doing so well and i'm considered one of the lowest despite working so hard. Most of my teachers and even my parents, cousins and aunties have been telling me to stop comparing my marks with them. Alhamdulillah, every time I see my marks now, i don't feel sad, i feel grateful and thankful instead not because i do well but there are many life lessons which i've learnt after talking to these bunch of wonderful people. Some friends of mine, when they get A for their test, they went up to my teacher and still fight for marks, when someone like me who got C and felt that i should get more marks, settled down with whatever i get. I think one thing Islam has thought me is to patient and always be grateful and thankful with whatever is given. I know i've work hard maybe it takes a few more trials to be in par with them. Now, I can't see a clear destiny of where I will be in the future but who knows, one day i will be out there making a name for myself.

On an ending note, i shall share with you a quote

'One important key to success is self-confidence. An important key to self-confidence is preparation'

2012-01-07T22:25:00.003+08:00

"To be depressed is to be lonely; to have a friend is to be happy..." - Guido

Only way for me to improve my english is by writing, therefore, i shall try my best and to my capability to blog as much as I could in order for me to keep improving myself. One week have past and truth be told, i still feel that i am in 2011 instead of 2012. Reason being, when you are in secondary school. New year means going to the next stage of your life. For eg Sec 3 to Sec 4. But now, that I am in Poly. New Year means sticking to what you have done the year before.

Above is a picture of my SBAmbassador team, exclude the boys. We have been painstakingly working hard for Open House, doing up duties schedule and ensuring that everyone is there and do a good job during the open house. It's not easy as it seems. Imagine having to segregate duties to 275 students, applying for them leave of absence, doing up the schedules and at the same time having to keep on referring to their timetables in order to ensure that they do not skip lessons. We were given 2 days to do right after we came back from our camp and I must say we did ourself proud. SP Open house, has finally ended today and I must say everyone of us did a great job during the 4 days. I do not praise myself much but i must say how much better i feel after doing the open house for the second time and how proud I am for being vocal. My duty was specifically on friday while the rest of the committee had more than one day duty. I wasn't trying to slack but I was constantly reminded to give the year one's a chance therefore, since I had so many juniors from my course. I ended up with a day duty which was from 12pm to 6.30pm and did I tell you, how tiring it was.

Let me share with you what happened during my duty. I met my classmates before proceeding for my duty as they were also involved and since mine was 6 long hours, i decided to have an early lunch. Before proceeding for my duty, i already start to feel nervous and crumbled inside. My body became weak instantaneously,it feels cold and I have a feeling that I am about to faint at any point of time. Why on earth I feel nervous? We carry a responsibility on our shoulders to behave and give the best explanation we can to the public, be it a parent or a student. Our behaviour will reflect on this people and on whether they find that SP is a better choice compared to other polytechnics. I felt stressed because eversince I stepped into poly, i became the person i once was, a quiet girl with a few words to say and with me putting on a hijab, I must beware of my own behaviour because everyone will be looking at me. I don't want to be a picture of a girl who put on hijab yet do not know how to behave themselves, especially in public. Putting on a hijab gave me a barrier on how I should treat people differently compared to previous time. I cannot jump around in school like how I used to back then in secondary school. I must beware on how I am when i am with boys. I can no longer be a rowdy and a loud person. I must always have in mind that every step i take should lead me to become a better muslimah and not otherwise, if not it defeats the purpose of me putting on in the first place.
On my way to SPCC, i met Yu Qing. My long lost friend. We maybe in the same school but we seldom see each other since our block are two worlds apart and to my surprise another two of my friends dropped by too. At that point of time, i am slowly building up confidence. When the time strikes for me to take over the shifts, i was in denial of what to do. We were under close scrutiny of our vice-principal, therefore even if i want to chicken out and hide at some corner, i can't do that. I put on my courage and start to approach people and asked if they wanted to know more about business school. Thankfully they do and I started saying everything that I need to say and answer their questions well enough. It was a tiring day for me because I was being pulled away after giving my explanation to each group, the people I was working with were pulling me everywhere to explain to their group more about accountancy. I felt like a delicious plate of char kway teow being passed around to share. I wasn't even talking, i was shouting because the atmosphere was too noisy. At the end of the day, when i go for my prayers, I thanked Allah S.W.T for giving me the best people to work with. I was working with people across all the diploma. People whom I know but seldom talk too or not given the chance to talk too. At the end of the day we became friends. I met this girl named Shabana who is from International Business. Yes you heard her name. A malay at last. Actually she is not the first malay, i talk to. I make friends with some malay whom I met whenever we pray. She asked me, if I had any malay friends because as you can see,there are not many malay in business school. Only a few of us. I replied to her," No". We started talking like as if we were close friends and at the end of the conversion she said this, " Then, you shall be my malay friend in school." I felt so exuberant at that moment. Someone just acknowledged me as a friend. I've not felt delirious for sometime. On that day, i was smiling from ear to ear.

When i first step into Polytechnic and after a few days, i told myself that making friends is going to be hard especially when i don't even have any secondary school mates around me to spread friendship to the rest. Unbelievable as it is, it's true that I haven't seen any Yuan Ching student in business school except for one. I told myself that if I wanted to make friends, i must take the first move and do it on my own. I first started by joining SMART club, which is now known as SBAmbassador and that is when i met my committee members and a few other members. I went to Bintan without having any classmates with me as a friend and I managed to make more friends and I was sent for a camp which I hate going to and eventually became known as the girl who is afraid of animals and make even more friends. Now, whenever I walk around in the school compound, I am waving and saying 'hi' to many people. It's amazing to see the number of people I make friends with. All this will not happened if I choose to stay in my own circle of friends and not stepped out. One thing which i've learnt from my previous friendship was that " I was too arrogant". Now, all I can say is that i'm thankful for those remarks. If not for those remarks, I will never take the initiative to step out of my comfort zone and learn to communicate with others and make more friends in the process.

I cried when i lose friends last year. Now, i'm glad and happy that I'm back on track and am hoping for a change. Slowly seeking true friends along the way. I can only thanked Allah for everything that has happened to me for the past couple of days, be it the sad moments of seeing my poor results and those delighting moments when i'm with the members of SBA. Just maybe my prayers of seeing sunshine after the rain has been answered.
On an ending note, I would like to wish My dad, a Happy 53rd Birthday and my long lost friend, Nabilah Sadali , A Happy 20th Birthday. We may not be in contact, but I still cherished those primary and secondary school days we spent together. I wish them the best of health and a year older means a year wiser. <3 Bie

2011-12-30T14:35:00.002+08:00

This bright new year has given me

To live each day with zest . . .

To daily grow and try to be

My highest and my best!

My last few days before new year has been a sad but enjoyable at the same time.

Dad took a two weeks break from work and has been spending time with me. It's difficult to see my family members at home, therefore having him for a few days was something I had to appreciate. We cook together, share our lunch together. This happen every year for us, don't you wish you had the same moment like me too, whereby you could spend time with someone in your family and appreciate every moment of it.

How has 2011 been?

It hasn't been really good for me. If i could explain how it is, from a mathematical point of view, it was a negative exponential graph . It started out from a peak and it went down down and down. I would not say much about what happened because many would have known. Even if you don't, you would know one day. I wish to put my 2011 behind and start 2012 with an open heart and arm.
2011 left me with a lot of memories but i can't wait to start my 2012 for one reason.
I'm a changed person. What i meant by change would slowly reveal itself.
But for now, let's leave it at where it is.

I wish everyone a Happy New Year and shall the new year bring more prosperity and surprises to your life.
Thanks to Uncle fat-fat for the chocolate as a new year gift. I am not trying to be rude when i call him with that name. But this uncle just don't wish to reveal his name to anyone therefore he asked me call him that.
Okay, i need a sleep badly because i have another cousin wedding to attend too. Is it me or there are just too many cousins who got hitch up this year? Only last week,one cousin got married. Last month another cousin, the previous two month, another cousin. Funny thing, my father is the 'wakil' for everyone of them be it for marriage or engagement. Told my dad specifically that make sure when either sis or me get married, they are there for you, like how you were there for them. I can foresee that if my parents were to hold a wedding for their two beautiful daughters *ehem*, it's going to be a big event and everyone who were invited would come. My parents are two people, I respect most and who are well respected by many. They try in every way to meet everyone needs and expectation. That's something, i try to be one day and am still trying. Sadly, everyone knows my sister better than I do. You can go asked anyone from my family, what's my name, most wouldn't even know my name neither my existence. Sad right?

On an ending note, i seriously need a sleep. I had a fun night out with the girls with a terrible sleep thanks to my sis who suddenly feel like sleeping on my single bed when she has a queen bed.

Two Less Lonely People In The World - Air Supply with [LYRICS on SCREEN]

2011-12-28T11:00:00.000+08:00

2011-12-28T09:11:00.002+08:00

Wanted to share with all of you on healthy relationship but since the picture failed to load, i shall not share then. I'm not a love doctor or the best person to judge what a healthy relationship should be like but on my perspective, every relationship needs development. What I wanted to share was what you could do other than going for boring dates like watching movies and etc. Instead i'm looking into developing the sense of security and trust which you can built from your relationship and understanding each other more in depth and from there, it gives a better idea of who your partner is. I happened to stumble upon this idea and just wanted to share with you. Like I said, since the picture can't be uploaded. It's impossible for me to share.

I try not to procrastinate but what happened to my 3 weeks break?

1st week- I was at Kota Tinggi for my camp. Holiday: Burnt

2nd week- Went back to school everyday and on top of that had to work plus a short visit to KL

Holiday: Burnt

3rd week- I'm back to school to start another project and today here i am doing my research for many-many projects that need to be completed. Plus, i've got homework that needs to be done before school reopen. Holiday: Burnt

I had a perfect holiday plan only to find out later that there are many upcoming events like the unexpected KL trip which was not included in my schedule. Friends were asking me out but looking at the amount of work i need to finish, i just had to reject those offer. I remembered making a commitment that I wanted to spent more time with my friends. I wonder, how people can do that while I can't. Sometimes it's beyond me.

My family depend on me when they are in need. For example, last week when I was supposed to meet my group at 11am. My uncle's, uncle passed away in KL. My aunt had to go and asked if i could help tend the shop. In the end, I meet up with my group only at 1.30 am. The next day, my another aunt couldn't make it as she had to sent her son for the sec 1 registration, I had to tend the shop again. Then my mum asked me for a favour, if I could sleep over at my grandma house this week to take care of grandma since she is alone. Looking at what my family are asking of me. If you were in my position, would you reject them?

If you are someone whom your family much depend on, it's difficult to go out and spent as much time as you want. Many people do not understand, situations like this.

Even if I wasn't cocked up with family stuff, why do i reject people offer and give reasons such as school. There is this incident till today which is imprinted in my mind and which i've been trying hard to forget and cast away. The thought of hearing " Bodoh! Bodoh! Bodoh!" many times when i was young, was what kept me working so hard even at the wee hours of the day. My brain function very slow if you must know, what I could do to continue bringing myself up and proving to people that i can do as well as their children was to work hard and in the hope that people may see me differently. I was wrong, people still treat me the same way. My thoughts wasn't heard even when i shared my views. I don't spent so much time on studies because I love too. Who does? I am being pressurize by this humming sound every now and then. A moment away from my books, i grew a sense of guilt in me that I won't perform well. I try to put this aside but I can't.

Enough said, i made my stand. I'm sorry if i can't fulfil my duty as a friend.

On an ending note, I've been wanting to share this poem which was lovely written by a person named, Norman Yammine.

November Rain

So many hater's in one place, Trading war stories and pleading their case.

I sit here and try to be kind, People think I am out of my mind.

What i'm doing is changing my ways, Reversing the wrongdoing from back in days.

It's time of my life, I can never get back, By the time i get out, people will think i'm cracked,

I know my 'Sorry' can never fix all the pain, But I pray for sunshine after the rain.

2011-12-20T07:20:00.002+08:00

I'm trying hard to put a picture which just can't be uploaded because it refused too. Therefore, here's a post with no picture. Basically, how has life been for me?

Looking at the bright side of life, everything is going on smoothly. Looking at the dark side of life, not everything is bright in real fact. What am I talking? As many have known I just came back from a leadership camp which was really effective that I decided to teach my sis but you should know well that my sister is someone who doesn't take all this things seriously. What makes me and many others who went for this camp, felt that it was effective?

I am not so sure how many of you had actually read 7 habits from either stephen covey or sean covey. I did not read this book too, to begin with. Only after attending this camp, it gave people like me a better perspective of how we should pratice our daily lives just by sticking through this 7 habits.

I would like to share this 7 habits with all of you

Be Proactive- Be proactive simply means taking initiative. Let me give you a simple example: You are going to be late for a meeting with your friends, instead of ignoring the fact and making your friends wait, call them up and informed them. If they are willing to wait, let them wait but if they can't, asked them to proceed first.

Begin with an end in mind- I love habit no 2. Many of us, do not have an end in mind. Without having a goal in mind that is when most of our lives go haywire because we do not know what we want and what we want to accomplised at the end of the day. For example " My end in mind today is to finish up all my homeworks". Having an end in mind gives you direction and lead you to what you want to achieve at the end of the day.

Put first thing first- Take me for an example. I'm known to be a busy women. One problem I feel that i've been facing is that, i tend to ignore the important stuff and put the least important as a priority. For example," This year, eversince i was part of my committee, i've been putting a lot of attention on planning for events and etc even in the midst of my exams period. At the end, i lose my end in mind, which was to get better grades. Thus, my grade went down tremendously". I urged everyone to put first thing first, especially people in my generation. We spent a lot of time with our friends and when a family member asked us out, we pushed them away by giving reasons that we made appointment to meet our friends. Always remember that despite all circumstances, family comes first before anything.

Think Win-Win- How many of us love to argue? Think win-win seek people to think of ways that you benefit from it and so will i. When we argue with each other, we are in a state of lose-lose situation. Why do I say so? When we argue with our siblings, they start to hate you and vice versa, you start to hate them, at the end of the day no one benefit. I'm unhappy, so are you. Think win- win is looking for happiness. For example "I'm going away for holiday with my family but I still have a group project to complete which I can't attend at all. How can I make my group feel that i've contributed something to them during my absence? I do my research and passed it to them. Now, I can go for a holiday without feeling guilty and my group mate can finish up the project without having the feeling that I free-ride my way through and that one lesser people,means more work for them to do. I benefit from it, so do they."

Seek first to understand, then to be understood- Many of us loved to share our problems with someone we are closed too and whom we trust. But how many people when we share our stories practice empathatic listening? Empathatic listening asked of us to listen to someone attentively without giving their own opinion on how we can improved the state we are at right now. We have to acknowledge when someone asked, can you lend me a listening ear? All they asked for is that you just listen, don't doubt them. For example," Winnie share her story about her boyfriend who recently broke up with her. As she was sharing, i told her, ' don't be sad, there are many guys out there who is much better than Tigger. Just move on in life'" Can you see that i wasn't practicing empathatic listening in this case. Winnie obviously know that she will eventually have to move on. All she asked for was for me to listen to her as she pours her heart out.

Synergise- Which would be more effective, to work alone or as a team? I've always had this thinking, working on my own would be more effective than working in a team. I was wrong. During times, I was busy and when I had to complete my projects, without my groupmates, i do not know, where will I be and how far can i go in completing my projects and submit it on time. My groupmates were there, when I was really busy on my weekends. They will continuously tell me not to worry and they will help to finish up and do touch up to our report. I feel bad at the same time because at certain point of my life, i'm really on the roll 24/7. Without such great friends, who are supporting our back, we can't go far in life. I have to really thank my groupmate for taking up the role of being the leader for each project and putting less burden on me.

Sharpen the saw- Sharpen the saw means to practice this 7 habits in our daily lives, in a hope that,we change our perspective on they way we have been behaving and reacting.

As a human, i understand that we are fallible. There will be a moment we can't control ourselves and blow up. I can't promise you, that i will stick to this 7 habits for my entire life. For now, I know that i am slowly imparting this 7 habits in my daily lives. I do not know how you all feel about this 7 habits but for me, i felt that it is really relevant if we want to achieve happiness and success in life. I wish all the best, if you are willing to take in this 7 habits. Lets soar together in achieving happiness in life.

Whenever You Remeber with lyrics

2011-11-28T21:11:00.001+08:00

A song dedicated to people whom i've lose contact with

Sincerely,
Rabi'atul

2011-11-05T14:49:00.002+08:00

What is life to me now?

I've been going through upheaval times eversince I start my new born life. School is definitely getting tougher and harder. You have no idea what my friends and I are going through. Our weekends and holiday doesn't seem to have an impact on us anymore. Thus, i shall be on hiatus. I will try to blog as much as i would but time doesn't seem to be on my side. I would like to dedicate my grateful thanks to my NP mate for the fantabulous time.

On an ending note, I will be missing everyone. Selamat Hari Raya to the muslims. I shall try to be back here in December before I go away again for another trip. If you haven't know yet, I've deactivated my facebook. You can still reach me on my phone.

michael bolton-to love somebody

2011-11-03T22:22:00.000+08:00

Share with you, a classic song which is really addictive for me. Do sing along with it okay.

When reality hits me back

2011-10-23T07:41:00.002+08:00

Don't forget me, I begged. I remember you said

"Sometimes it last in love, sometimes it hurts instead"

"20% is for CA1, another 20% project work and 50% Final year paper. The last 10%, all of you must participate in class. The more you participate, the higher i'll give"

This words has been said on a repeat mode, it feels like a lullaby now. Back to school baby. I've never dragged going back to school but when it comes to poly life, i don't have the same eagerness like how i had back then. Maybe it's because the change in teachers and nothing about my classmates seems welcoming, i think so.

Just a week back to school and I can't keep track of my days already. Every lesson, teachers are bombarding us with information about what are the criteria of passing this module and this semester teacher are super naggy. Can even be more naggy than your parents. My friends and I are learning to cope with the change in teachers. Every other teacher are telling us about projects and the submission. Mind you, i have 5 projects to be completed by early January or late November. You can skip the part of me enjoying my New Year and holidays. I will be home mugging and ensuring that my group members and I give the best performance because we are not talking about 1 project but 5. Thus far, accounting students are the ones that have the most difficult time. Unlike other courses, we are one of those course that have to juggle through project and assignment well or else we will lose track.

My audit teacher has since talk to us about our internship that has increased from 6 to 8 weeks. It's nothing compared to Ngee Ann of course but look at it from our side. Straight after our exams, we don't have any break, we go for our internship. Straight after you end your internship, back to school and start another semester. Crazy, I would say. I'm already preoccupied with stuff now, i don't even know, where to begin with.

My CCA has been haunting me almost everyday. I've yet to come up with another planning for the upcoming open house. I received emails that says,

" Hi Rabia, can you please arrange the next meeting?"

Semester 2 is going to be a busy time for me. I'm sorry if I can't spend that much time. Look at my timetable and look at my face and you'll understand that, as much as I want to enjoy spending my time with my family and friends, I'm given a huge burden behind my back. I don't like to give my parents hoped and not fulfil it. Each time, i tell them that i will do better. I wish to show that by action and not merely saying it. I don't want to be pretentious. I believe my parents could see it too. When they come back home,i'll be in my room doing my assignments and when I can't do it, i'll come out and start crying. I'm trying to be at the same level as all my classmates. I feel so low, looking at how well, they are performing. Each time, knowing that i'm the last few in class, it brings down my spirit. I need that 5N1 spirit back. Teachers in poly don't see how well you behave, they judge you by your grades. The noisier you are, the higher your grades. The better you do, the more they will notice you.

Can't believe that I'm still learning to cope. I know i'm missing something.

On a happy note, get to talk to Adam the other day. Told him to come back to Singapore because I have a lonely dinner. All he could say was " I know you have a lot of project right? Keep yourself occupied with your project. By the time, i come home, you are still not done with your project." That's true actually. Eversince Adam left, been meeting Iqah love quite frequent. The 3 of us can't be seperated. If my late grandmother was still around, I think she would be happy and proud to see how well the 3 of us have been doing.

Had a funny conversation with him. He said that food over in China has too much MSG and you can feel it at the tip of your tongue. My aunt asked him to be careful or else, his hair would start falling off and I told him nevermind, because if he is bald by the time he comes home, he is ready to serve NS and don't have to bother about shaving his hair. Still, I miss him. Can't wait for him to be back, it's only 2 weeks. 10 more weeks before he is finally home.

2011-10-14T10:22:00.002+08:00

It's easier to go down a hill than up but the view is much better on the top.

I love to blog it's not only because you are able to share with people what happened, it became a place where you pour your feelings out.

It's the last week of school and I can't wait to be back to school studying. It hasn't been a great semester one. Semester two will be even tougher and busier since it is a shorter period and there are a lot of things that I need to plan. Looking back at my results that to me, was a disappoinment on my part, i don't wish to get that kind of results again for my semester two. Though, i could be cosidered lucky compared to the rest who are nt a three pointer, i still feel sad because considering that i am the lowest in class. My classmates are made up of the top people in my course. What would that make me then?

My goal for semester two would be to balance myself well and do the best i could for my 7 modules afterwhich I'll go for my internship and back to school again. Do I look free to you now? Basically i'm not. That's the sad part. I'm constantly being bombarded by events, plannings and project.

End of year is coming. I'm letting go one by one of my tutees. I felt like I haven't been a great teacher to them. I'm too lenient to begin with. I felt disrespected too when the homework i gave, was not done and reason being they were busy. I would love to compare their schedule with mine at times. I attended school like any of them, teach them, work on every saturday, attended many meetings and yet i'm still able to attend my classes with all my homework done. I just can't help but wish they could define what they meant when they say they were busy.

I can't say much but pray that they do well. I felt like a failure of course. I definitely did not ask for any payment when I decided to teach. I wanted them to excel. Money is not everything to me not because I can afford it. I find that money can't buy happiness or the hours I spent doing something I love, which is teaching. Well, they won't understand and it's too late for me to explain. I've decided not to teach from next year onwards although I already had a request to be a tuition teacher again next year that is an exception. I told my dad to find me a religious class, for me to continue my religious lesson. Hopefully, he does that because the last time, i asked him to do it for me, i did not get anything.

I'm glad that i'm coping well with life right now. Alhamdulillah. I may not have anyone by my side. Not a friend nor a family member. I am alone but I get through my life as per normal. Eversince, I am back from bintan, i see less of my family members at home, everyone has been coming home after 9. I've stopped contacting most of my friends too because I want them to lead a happy life without me interfering. My cousins are busy with their attachments and recently, adam left us for china and it has been 5 days now. Shall just count down to January 13, 2012.

There will a lot of changes coming my way. I want to start a fresh. I will keep everyone updated with it. For now, hug and kisses from me and sorry to everyone if i've done anything wrong.

separated - usher

2011-10-14T10:14:00.000+08:00

2011-10-07T11:06:00.011+08:00

" Do you have insect repellant. Can I have some?"

The question above was the most common question I must say when we were over at Bintan. After months of endless meeting, gathering, performing and preparing ourselves for the trip, the day finally came. 26th September.. The day everyone has been waiting for.

We were told to report at Tanah Merah Ferry Terminal by 7.30, obviously that wasn't closer to the time, we have to depart to Tanjung Pinang. As you can see if you can be late for school, how can people not be late for their ferry. It was a Monday and it was raining, anything can happened along therefore, the school took precautionary steps by making us reached there 2 hours early. You can imagine what time most of us woke up on that day, especially when you are leaving over the other end.

Quite surprising though. When we were in secondary school, every trip we go, our parents would sent us and wait for us before we depart but during this trip most of us came on our own without any family members who came to send us away. I did not know that being an independant young adult meant that way. We didn't mine anyway.

I have never been to Bintan, going there meant, it was a totally new experience for me.

I went Bintan for a CIP programme. I went there without any company of my classmates. I was a solo girl and people whom I know from my course go for the interview on their own too. I call us the independant DAC students. Obviously when given so many trips by the school, places like Hong Kong and China are more favourable compared to places like Bintan. What drew me to take up this CIP was that I've always wanted to do better CIP compared to the CIP we do in Singapore which are so menial, like donation drive, going to old folks home and give them a performance to make them smile. Singapore is so modernise that nothing we do would make us appreciate the little bits of life that we have not explored. Going for this CIP would teach us some lessons in life that we must think of others too. Rural places like Bintan would open our hearts to show more compassion to the less fortunate.

Before going to Bintan, we had a pre-CIP trip which was to clean houses of old-folks. So my team was given a house to clean. I was awe-struck when I enter that house and I think I was the only one who kept questioning. Why was I shocked? When I entered this uncle house to clean it for him, it wasn't a house filled with junks but a floor filled with patches of blood, a wall which is so mouldy. I was shocked when I see his leaving condition. There wasn't any mattress, pillow, blanket, fan neither was the refrigerator working nor was there a working television or radio for entertainment. We are considered bless that we have a proper mattress to sleep, a comfy pillow to support our neck, a working fan or air-con to ensure that we have a great night and a refrigerator to keep our cold drinks to quench our thirst. This uncle doesn't have that. I was really shocked and it was an eye opener for me. I loved to ask my mum to change this for me, get a new pillow for me but I didn't know that some people out there don't even have a proper bed to sleep. I tried to investigate, how does the patches of blood came about? So as you can see since there wasn't any mattress, this uncle should have been sleeping on the floor and at night or anytime of the day when he feels the itch, he might have scratch his leg or body too hard(as you know some old people does that) and causes the bleed. Like I said the house lacks basic necessity, therefore, he does not have a tissue to wipe off his blood and just press his body or his legs on the floor and that was the reason why there was patches of blood on the floor. I'm still shocked. Till today, I keep questioning myself, how many old folks are leaving in this condition, not having a proper bed and etc. I felt devastated.

Back to Bintan.

Upon our arrival, we were brought to Loola Resort. The place we are staying. We were given a talk on some of the ground rules of the resort. Afterwhich, we had lunch and headed to our dormitory. The dormitory was okay, not that bad until the first night. Our first day activity was simply based on bonding. We climb the coconut tree which I practically failed half way. It was even tougher compared to rock climbing which I love so much. Don't laugh at me, you should go and try and then we had this so called bungy jump just that it is not that high. I'm a girl, who likes to take challenges. Bungy Jumping was scary, maybe not to guys. I was nervous. Girls who are not adventurous and don't like taking challenges would missed a lot of things in life. This things are scary but it feels great afterwhich and you would like to go again and again for it.

Going back to Bungy Jumping, the instruction given was that, once you are up there, you must us them if you can jump.. So I asked.

Me: Can I jump?

Instructor: On the count of three 1,2 and 3 Jump.[ I was following the cue given and counting the same thing as the instructor. The instructor isn't the one who is supporting we with the rope, it was another guy. So when he said jumped, I jumped and the guy who was supporting me with the rope suddenly shouted "Belum". I was so terrified. Imagine, if the rope wasn't done properly and such and the guy wasn't ready, i would have been dead by now. ]

We proceeded on with Captain's Ball and a mishap happen to Mr Martin, one of the teacher who was there with us. He had no choice but had to go home on that day as his injury needs a surgery immediately. We were down with 2 teacher and 44 students. I played soccer with the guys and continue with archery which was fun. My archery skill not bad for a first timer. I was closed to the centre.

We had dinner, reflection and bed time.

On the second day we went to a school, basically a madrasah. I got another shocked. The school I went to was a primary school. Therefore, students are of the age of mostly 10 to 12 and they ride scooter to school. Form of transport over there are mostly scooters. The rest of us were complaining, we have to be 18 to ride a motor to school and this kids whom we supposed had no license can come to school with a scooter. It was a big deal ok. They are so young yet their previlege were far better than us. We went to the school, to do some road paving and painting, we were initially divided into groups but at the end of the day everyone does a bit of everything.

Unlike Singapore, disciplining students are the major part of character building. In Bintan, the teachers can't even discipline the class they are teaching, They are very rowdy. They can go in and out of the class and look outside of the classroom without the teachers concern. After PE session, everyone of us would complain to the teachers that we do not want to change out of our sweaty PE t-shirt because the weather is just too warm and at times too, the teachers would complain whether the fans are working. Guess what? Every girls there had to wear scarf. They wore long sleeves and pants for PE and they have no fans in their classroom. Can you asked yourself, how many times have you whine about the weather and the condition when people over there, are not even whining about it?

Don't mention the toilet, it was scary for us. The toilets over there are squating toilets and how bad the worst toilet in Singapore can be, it is not as bad as the ones you can find there. For people like me who are not used at all to squatting toilet had to get used to it. We complained about the flushing toilet, Over there you don't even have a flush for your toilets. Once your things drop. You will never get it back. The way they flush their toilet is to take a huge amount of water and pour it down.

After we finished painting the school, we felt a great sense of satisfaction looking at the end result. It was really nice. Road paving is a tedious and arduous job. You saw all the bangla in Singapore paving our road, first thing that comes to our mind is to make fun of them and look down on them. Try doing road paving and you will start appreciating the bangla's for the nicely pave roads or walkways we have in Singapore. On the day, we did road paving, it was a luminous bright sun, my eyes was not even open. Everyone kept reminding each other to drink lots of water. As i did, the road paving the only thing that came in mind was that " I want to sit down there with them" but looking at this guy from another course "Weisian". He did the road paving for hours and for me who just came in like 30mins ago and I'm already saying that I'm tired and I want to give up, It wasn't fair. I felt that the time ticks so slow because everything should end by 4.30 and when I check the time, it was only 2:15. I told myself that if I want to finish early, I should continue doing it, like how weisian did it. I did helped for about 1 hour plus then i changed my duty. I feel up the hole next and eventually by 4:30 everything was done. On our way back, everyone was dozing off, it was really tiring.

On the third day,

We went back to the school to finish of the last bit of painting. Amazingly, we did it in less than 2 hours. We went to the orphanage to do another road paving. At the orphanage, we were divided again, some will cement the road, some of them built goat house, some did vegetable garden and I did the road paving again. Only me and gan are the only mens, who did that. While the rest of the girls went to different areas. It was another scorching day. This time road before we do the road paving, we had to pull the weeds out first. Gan and I finally realise the importance of consuming each and every of our food because it was easy. Imagine all the farmer our there, who have been pulling out weeds. This time round, we went back to our resort eallier which was at 3.30 because we had to prepare a party for the orphanage who is coming. We blow out balloons which can't be blown to big or else it will burst. We practice our final dance step, we barbequed for them food. It was the most tiring day. When they came that night, I did not know how to communicate them. Among all the malays who went there, they could communicate so well with them but I can't. Like I said previously, I am slowly losing my malay language. Not trying to look down on malay language but I rarely communicate with people in malay, not even to my dad. I will start stuttering each time, i tried to speak malay to my aunt. The worst feeling ever. I felt like a loser. I did not even know how to approach them. I can communicate with people, just that I don't know where to start. That is my weakness.

That night, the food was really nice, we get to eat western food and barbequed food. The performance by the SP team was great too and we asked the orphans to dance to dangdut song and there was this guy who learn to play guitar on his own and actually sang for us justin bieber, Baby song. The SP team had a great time clubbing over there. I was very high too because the people who went there are definitely a great group of people, we are like the insane people. We skipped and we said goodbye to the orphans by playing a song by Collin Raye- If you get there before I do. I think i was the only one who knows that song that night, i have a fetish for old song. You should listen to the song and read the lyrics, it was a romantic song about a couple.

After all of us finish clubbing that night, we quickly bathe because all of us were really sticky. I was the first to sleep because my eyes will automatically stone by 10pm. Basically, I am a girl who sleeps early. If I am still awake by 12, I am forcing myself.

On the 4th day, we went back to the orphanage to finish our uncomplete work and we were served tapioca which a lot of us enjoyed. Basically for me, i've eaten a lot of times for the chinese it was a new food to some of them and they really enjoyed eating it. Our goat house was ready, the road paving was done nicely. The vegetable garden was almost done too.

We finished all our task promptly and we did everything nicely too. We went back for our lunch and after which we did another bonding activity which was called boomnet. Which was to jump off from a boat into a net. I had fun but it was super tiring after jumping for 6 times, I sit aside because the current was too strong and it kept pushing us to the side. We rushed back and packed out stuff as we were shifting place. We were leaving the mosquito, sandflies and bedbugs palace for a real resort which has an aircon, a proper flushing system and an individual toilet. We party again that night but since I sleep quite early, I did not party. Yeah, a bit of a loser on that part.

Woke up early, had buffet breakfast at the resort. Walk along the beach for a while until the rain decides to fall which halt our plan. We went back to the hotel instead to sleep until it was time to check out. Had dinner at a mall which doesn't look like a mall. People over there are not as wealthy as us because their shopping centre was really quite. It was not as crowded as Singapore shopping centre. It was really quite. There was nothing to buy either and i noticed this, their shopping centre does not sell genuine stuff. You can see a shopping mall that looks like any shopping mall along orchard but everything that is sold inside are imitation stuff. I did not know what to buy. Ended up I bought a lot of bumbu and keropoks for my parents.

We took the last ferry back home and once I reached Singapore and upon seeing my dad waiting for me at the arrival area. I quickly went to him and hug him. Here's the secret: " I cry each time I have to leave my family behind. I think people can see that I'm a family girl. I cry each time, I have to leave for a camp, although the camp is in Singapore, I just can't leave them. That is how important, family is to me. When I was away, my family actually had a busy week as they had a lot of catering to do. I did cry before I went there, when mum hugged me before I leave but i told myself to be strong. On the 3rd day i was at the orphanage mosque and as I was praying, tears started rolling down. I am a sensitive girl." When I reached Singapore, i quickly rang everyone. I called ibu, my sis and my cousins.

Speaking of mosque, over in Bintan. The mosque is a place people don't frequently visit. It is only open when it is prayer time afterwhich it is left vacant and locked.

Going Bintan was a definite joy for me, i met a lot of great friends and they were amused by my craziness.We were really bonded. Mrs Panzy, Ms Angela and Mr Martin were really a great lecturer who join us. Especially Ms Angela. Her epic moment when she shuffle in the bus as we listen to Party rock anthem. I enjoyed my trip there except that my face was badly affected. I did not turn dark but my face was beaten by mosquito and sandflies. People who saw it asked if it was pimple. I know how to differentiate between a pimple and a mosquito bite. My mood was really affected because I'm a girl who ensures that i keep myself away from such stuff. It even looks like chicken pox. Alhamdulillah, now all the bintan pox after I put cream on it. People who went there with me were made up of clean people, smart people and many more. We adapt to conditions over there. Though we whine and grumble, we made it through. We completed our project and we had a great time together as a group.

I would advice people to go for CIP projects. Here's a peribahasa:

" Berat Mata Memandang, Berat Lagi Bahu Yang Memikul"

Cheybah!!

It simply means, the person who went through the difficulties will only know their plight. We can see that some people are really poor but we can never feel the way they feel unless we were in their shoes. People at bintan, they take big rocks and cut them into small rocks. That is a source of income for them and that is their job. We should see how lucky we Singaporeans are. Working and studying in a place with air-condition every where and still complaining. Even how bad our job is the pay we received are much higher compared to them.

I would really want people to come our from their comfort zone and explore the adversity of life. You cannot always be a clean freak. You cannot always be a material girl. We have to help others who are in need.

Enjoy the photos. The last photo would be my next update to USS with my cousin.

2011-10-03T10:21:00.002+08:00

I'm not exactly sure what my current feelings are called right now.

Many of us have been through many relationships and I believe there is one that we wished to stay in but we can't. Ever heard of second chances? I'm not sure how well second chances work but if you know me well I love to read and recently my favourite writer Sumiko Tan wrote about her second chance with 'H' as usual her work has always been an inspiration for me. I still keep all her articles that I love with me. Therefore, to all the broken-hearted people out there. Here is something for you from her. I think what she said was true.

" 'Have you ever wondered if things might have turned out differently if that first date had gone well?' She was referring to how I'd gone out with H when we were in school. No sparks flew then but we hoked up 30 years later and got married.

I told her that even if that encounter had been good. I doubt we would have ended up as a couple. We were too young and un-formed.

I added,for good measure"I'm glad it didn't work out as I would have missed out on all the other wonderful relationships I had before meeting him again. And I'm sure H wouldn't have wanted to miss out on the relationships he had too."

Before we got married,we had each gone through several relationships, with " relationship" being defined-by me- as anything that went beyond 10 romantic dates and where there was some kind of emotional connection between us and the respective man/woman. He was, I have to add, also married for 15 years before his divorce.

I have no regrets about the boyfriends I've had. Even though most of the relationships ended in tears, I gained from each of them and am glad they happened. Every relationship taught me a little more about what love is and ,more importantly, what love is not.Every relationship gave me a better idea of what I must do-or mustn't do-in that quest to find "true" love.

We are I believe, them sum of relationships past. What H and I are now and how we behave to each other is, to an extent shaped by whom we have shared our lives before"

This was written by Sumiko Tan. The article is more than this but I can't type the entire article. However, focus on the bold words. I wish everyone would one day find their true love. Well for me, I would say, i'm happy being a single me because I don't want to get hurt neither would I want to hurt another guy in return. Let me establish what love means to me before I quest for my true love.

2011-09-18T09:33:00.002+08:00

As we grow up, we realize that it becomes less important to have more friends and more important to have real ones.

It has been a pretty rough week for me and when I said, rough, i meant by it. I'm still bombarded with school work. Supposedly, I should have a rest since my sunday tuition class with Yana was cancelled. But no, I am bogged down with dictionaries and my accounting book because I'm giving accounting lessons in Bintan and with 4 people around me who doesn't like accounting at all, plus the pressure i have to face to teach the people in bintan in Malay when i can't do simple translation when i'm talking to my grandmother. I'm not trying to say that i've lost my roots as a Malay but put yourselves in my shoes, if half the time, the people you are communicating with is someone who speaks English and especially me being like one of the few malay students in Business school. That's the tough life i've to face. I'm not strong in any language. Therefore, i must say, at times, i do speak in rojak language. A bit of Chinese, Malay and English in my sentence. But i'm looking forward to improving all my languages. Especially now that I felt demanded.

For the past one week, i've a sudden stomach cramp not caused by menstrual cycles and chest pain. Almost every morning, i will feel it. When it became uncontrollable, it attacks the head. All i could do then was to search for panadol to sooth the headache and bring me to sleep. I must say, i've not had a real rest after my exams. Week after week, i'm still busy. Hopefully the 2 weeks break that i'm left with once i'm back from bintan would not be bombarded by any school stuff.

Most probably, many would have heard of the sad life, i led recently. I can say that, I maybe busy but i'm vigilant enough to sense things that are happening around me. I'm tired of explaining myself years after years of friendship. I'm tired of making people happy when I had to suffer. I love to keep things from certain friends with reasons. I don't love to tell people if i am in a relationship because i don't think there is anything fun about announcing the guy i'm with and when sad things happened in life, we break up, i had to answer people's prying question on what causes the break up.I don't need to tell people who am I teaching because that is my privacy as a tuition teacher. I did not make a big deal either when I got my driving license because you don't have to know about it. Yes, I love to keep things mum, i don't like to tell people certain things.

As a quote says it:
Never explain yourself, your friends don't need it and your enemies won't believe it.

As I grew up, I tried making friends but I always failed and I have no idea what's the reason behind it. Is it due to my tight schedule or the characteristics that I display or is it just my friends that changed? I was never a popular kid in school but when school matters, i ensure that i give my best in everything I do thus ensuring that I go for the activities in school, there is where my tight schedule came about. When I fight with friends, when i think i'm wrong and friends that I fight with are worth keeping, I said sorry. I ever did that to a good friend when I was in my secondary school days, i left him an offline message, apologizing and to date i do have that message. I grew wiser. If previously, i used to have stupid fights, i stopped. If previously, i used to be a tad to rebellious, i no longer do that. If previously, i don't pray, now i do. The only thing I knew as I grow is that, I try to be someone better. I don't know what else have I done wrong to make people hate me.

In terms of who I choose as a friend or bestfriend or close friend depends on my judgement. Can i come to someone and ask them, can you be my bestfriend when we don't talk, when we fight, when we badmouth about each other? Like how you choose your boyfriend or your husband or your employee or your favourite student, that is how i choose my friends. We have a degree of expectations when it comes to choosing people and differentiating them.

Here's a message to all my friends:

I'm sorry that I can never meet certain of your expectations of me. Whether i'm fat i should go skinny or I should stay away from your lover or I need to get a life, i need to go out with you and many other stuff. I'm just a girl who is growing up and doing the best she could to please everyone. I try to be as fair as possible. I can't please everybody. Would you go all the way to please me? I don't think so. Just like you are, i'm only seeking to have a friend who understands me. I've been searching and I'm still searching. I'm not lucky like many of you, I can only describe myself as a lonely person. My friends are aunties and uncles at the market. When I go out, I go out alone. When I watch movie, I watch alone because I understand the meaning of being lonely. When that person is your bestfriend, i'll never take them away from you. If you don't want to be my friend, i'll never force you too. Don't take me for a fool. Pictures at times, tells a thousand words. If you feel like putting me away, then tell me. What for, do it behind my back? Everyone could see it.

I would lie if I say if I wasn't sad. I cried for 5 days in a row. I was emotionally affected. My chest pain was even painful. I fight through the chest pain by going for a jog. Probably, killing myself you would say. If jogging makes me feel better, I don't care how my health would affect me. Today, if you asked me how am i? I'm still coping with the loss, but it will get better by day.

Like a word from a friend for me:

"A girl with a strong spirit,

Stood strong no matter on her feet,

Trying her very best in every obstacles,

Will always have a solution to every life puzzle."

It doesn't matter who will be there for me, all I know, Allah is.

His 1st Poem for me back then when I was in sec 3

2011-09-14T10:35:00.002+08:00

sang mentari suria mula menghidupkan diriku
malam gelap kelabu kian terang terserlah langit biru
Hatiku terpaku melihatmu yang indah tersungguh
Akan ku menemani mu hingga ke waktu subuh

Rabi'atul Adawiyah telah menikam kedalam sanubari
Ku kian menanti kehadiranmu disisi
Disisi ku tetap disini akan termimpi-mimpi wajah ayu mu
aku kan tetap bersama mu bagai isi dah kuku

walau kata-kata ku tidak tersampai ke arah yang ia dituju
walaubagaimana pun ku harap cinta mu menyelubungiku
kau ku binakan istana kerna kaulah satu-satunya puteri
ambillah tangan ku dan menaiki tangga pelangi

kata-kata manis mu yang datangnya dari bibir
menitis air mataku bak sayunya seruan takbir
aku bagai api yang membuatmu cair
bak lilin yang keras kian cair menjadi air

senyuman yang ikhlas datangnya dari hati
yang membuat ku terpaku sehingga hari ini
biar sastra atau puisi walau kau tidak terganti
Sudah terpaut di hati enggan ku menyimpannya lagi

kini kau senyap sekali lagi aku menitiskan air mata
sesuci indah alam sekitar ku hanya mahu kita bersama
beriku peluang untuk memberi kasih buat kali kedua
walau ku tahu ku harus mengambil langkah yang pertama

walau kini kau akan menolak lamaran ini
walau ku tau perbuatan ku tidak akan menjadi
ku akhirnya berjalan seorang diri di tepi pantai
hanya bayang mu ku dapat melihat dari belakang tirai

memori yang terindah bermula dengan kata-kata
aku terjatuh cinta pada pandangan pertama
Dialah di hatiku satu-satunya
Kekasih gelapku Rabi'atul Adawiyah

well,it is dedicated for you
whom i thought once to be my boo
sincerely comes right from tha bottom of ma hearT
Your tha baby with Ice which makes me fall apart

Rabi'atul Adawiyah our roads crossed all the time
but for this once im expressing my feelings in rhymes
thou babygirl ur the princess and your one of a kind
you are priceless not worth to each of my line

although this loVe in me would prolly not be answered
thou if i were to confess next we would be awkward
this words of rhymes that you read may be marvellous
but truth to be told you are really too precious

its just words of expressions but you may call it poem
but your too precious just like my green gem
for Adawiyah i wouldnt callin you baby Ice
cause I'm deeply in Love with you for this Love pays no price

this feeling kept for a Year it aint going twice
for your sparkling eyes has got me mesmerise
I just hope if this Love is answered i promise it will be worthwhile
for even knowing you has crafted me a sMile

the rainbow that we hiked to the sky that we fly
I loVe you sincerely thats one thing you cant deny
for i'll be waiTing for your calls and your replys
when will you be back home from the city called Shanghai

its hard for me to leave you to see you depart
right from the start i knew you were my sweetheaRt
a rose fresh from ma garden with a lil daisy
for baby your ma sweetest honey

please give me a chance to start this chemistry
please give me a chance for you to know me
for i'll be there right beside you when ur having flu
and when you need me i'll come to your rescue

sungguh indah sang mentari terbenam di ufuk dunia
jangan lah bersedih wahai puteri adawiyah
nan ku di sini menanti hingga hari malam
untuk mengubati luka dihati mu yang terguris dalam
kata-kata panas dapat menyejukkan jiwa
daripada segala pancaragam yang bernyawa
sejarah lama walau meninggalkan kesan dihati
jangan kau bersedih kerna ku disisi

The poem was written for me when i was in sec 3 or 4. Which causes some problems back then. Here I am sharing again the poem because I think he deserves some credit for taking the time to write for me.

2011-09-13T21:31:00.003+08:00

No String Attached-Single.

A poem from a sweet friend for me:

Bunga mengembang sambil subuh ditemani embun,

Mekarlah di pagi hari diiringi salju kehijauan daundaun,

Begitu indah suasana pabila senyumanmu dipancarkan,

Bersinar emas ketulusan diri bak mentari berpancaran.

Tabah diri mu walaupun dibuaikan ombak yang kencang,

Semua dilalui segala pancaroba yang cuba menghalang,

Walau di akhir masa akan jua dikau kekal dengan keberanian mu,

Hanya kau yang mampu tabah engkau hanyalah satu.

Tidak pernah bertentang mata walau rasa seperti pernah berjumpa,

Walau kalau dapat berjumpa ku pasti kelu tidak terkata,

walau tidak dapat ku sambut mu dengan tangan terbuka,

Telah kau sambutku dengan hati terbuka, aku teruja.

Oh Rabi'atul Adawiyah Srikandi tercipta,

Oh Rabi'atul Adawiyah puteriku tercinta,

Puisi tertulis atas dedikasi ikhlas tulus dari hati,

Harap Sang Puteri tersenyum kerna kaulah inspirasi.

This was written by a good friend of mine whom i've been in contact for a few years now. Probably more or less than 5 years. This is probably his 2nd poem for me. It's rare to see guys who can rhyme well. This poem was written when I was in a troubled mood which i've been for a few weeks now. He never asked me why i was troubled but I just love the fact that he kept giving me words of encouragement, giving me faith to be strong. We met once in a concert but have not spoken or made any eye contact before. Truly, it's incredible that we are still friends till today.

Dear friend, if you are reading this. Thanks for the poem. Thanks for taking time to write this down for me. Thanks for being there everytime i'm down.

I thanked Allah that I made great friends though i know on my part, i've been really busy. It wasn't easy to keep friends but i appreciate friends who understand my schedule, if i was given a choice to enjoy or get busy, i will choose to enjoy. At times, i missed being a youth but whatever I am doing now, i've a reason behind it, I have something that I want to achieve at the end of this year and I hoped, I'm given that chance.

2011-09-05T21:46:00.002+08:00

Selamat Hari Raya!

I've been looking for a perfect blog unfortunately blogger is still the best, at times only.hehe

I've been missing for a month now. Simply because I was busy with exams and ibadah. If you don't see me at school or at home studying, I am probably at the mosque praying. Eversince, i chose to repent, Ramadhan has been a month for me to keep seeking forgiveness from Allah. It wasn't easy. Usually, the last 10 days of Ramadhan, I will pray full set of terawih but I miss a lot of terawih, thanks to my exams.

I can only say that I was really depressed, 5 papers wasn't easy at all. Just imagine my friends who took diploma plus and had to take 6 papers. It was equivalent to O levels. I don't really like to complain about exams but with a busy schedule plus 5 papers. It wasn't funny. I had to study up to 11 chapters for one of my papers and best of all, it is all theory. Thanks to this paper of mine, I had lesser time to study for the rest of my papers. If you say, i don't know how to manage my time well, "You are wrong!". If I don't know how to manage my time well, how come I am able to do all my tutorials while my friends complain. Despite me teaching, I bring my books almost everywhere I go. When I give test, I studied. When I am waiting for them, I studied. When I am on my way there, I studied. I even reject my family offer if they were to ask me out. Now that the holidays are here, I feel much more relieved in a sense though I am still busy with school stuff.

This Ramadhan has been a challenged for me. If there is one thing, I hate about, I hate being cheated and played with. I can tolerate once but if it became a repetitive action, you just have to see my evil side which I hate to show. People who knows me well, will know that i will treat people well if they treat me well too. Even if they don't, I will just walked away if my presence is not needed.

Yes girls, your boyfriends, your crush, your lover are my close friends,but there isn't anything to be jealous about. I'm tired of telling you this. I do not have, close girlfriends which you may have. Even now when I am in poly, I still make more boy friends compared to girls. I don't use my beauty to attract your guys. Can you feel me? Put yourself in my position. I am this one lonely girl. Ask all the guys who asked me out, how many of them have I rejected?

Nowadays, whenever I want to go out with a guy, I asked my dad for permission. If my dad approved that is when i go out. Some would say " Pakai dakwah,tapi tak tau jaga diri".

Excuse me, at the rate my busy schedule is right now, I don't know where I can fixed a time to date a guy. I am happy being a single girl with no string attached. If I want to steal your guys, I would have done so but have I? Sometimes, I wish I could switch the genders of my guy friends to be a girl. Do you know how much I yearn to have a girlfriend, for almost 7 years now? You know how fun it feels like to see girls having company to shop, to do things together. Who do I have? I only have my aunt, my mum and most importantly Allah. I tried making friends with girls, but I haven't found anyone who wants to friends with me. This is what I get since primary school. Can you please understand my position?

All I asked for is a friend. Can you be my friend?

2011-07-18T21:14:00.004+08:00

Let me update you all some of the things that has been making me busy. So you see, my results are out, results are quite important to me at this moment. I am aiming higher and higher each year. That is the purpose in life, to at least keep improving yourself, take up new skills and more. Show poeple that you have something new instead of the person you have always been. I am not trying to impress people if i had good results, my main purpose in life is simple. Just to repay and help the people whom are close to me or are less fortunate.

Apart from that, i have kept myself busy with my tuition kids. They are taking their major exams. One thing, i feel sad till today is that they don't see the sacrifice I made. You see, eversince I choose to teach, i have lesser time for myself. In fact, for everyone who wants to go out with me too. I spent hours doing for them papers, looking for every sources of way. I'm not asking them to appreciate the effort i went through but the least, try to put in effort when I give them the papers which i printed. Make the effort and stop telling that it is difficult, I have no time, I am busy. If they are busy, so am i? I took away time when i can have my rest just to do what needs to be done for them hoping with my examples they understand. In fact, when I teach i do grumble at times because i am challenging their mental strengths to think deeper and harder to solve certain questions. All I got was, being shoved off. How does that makes you feel personally, if you were the teacher? I am really patient and tolerant of their behaviour thus far. You all be my witnesses today. One good thing, i love about my parents is that they are very supportive of my actions. My parents actually advise me when I wanted to teach that " When you teach adik, don't think about the money that you will get but the results they will achieved". Whenever somoene asked me, how much should i charged them, my answer is ' up to you cik'. I've never bothered about the money i will earn not because I am rich but because i feel guilty to be receiving money every month yet no improvements. I am unlike many other tutors who teach and charged $20/hour and the child results remain the same.

Thus, each month salary i received from giving tuition will be given to my mum for donations or either korban. In another sense, " Saya tak nak makan duit orang". I feel that if i were to donate the money to orphanage, the money would be put to good used, to educate the orphanage. At least, I am feeding knowledge not to one person but to many others. That is the joy i received, when i am able to help others.

I hoped people would understand me better now. I don't do things for the purpose of money most of the time. Yes, at times I might go for a shopping binge and shop like there is no tomorrow but i know where to draw the line. I know when to tell myself to stop. Life is not all about money. A value of life is much better if we get to touch the lives of others and help them change at the same time.

Apart from that, eversince the launch of my CCA in school. I've been kept busy like a mad girl. Almost every monday i am staying back in school when i can be going home at 12pm. I am having meetings here and there. Running around doing errands.

My birthday wish is to get a day off, which I supposed i will never get now, i can only dream. Whatever it is, I am feeling sad, depressed and more. I don't feel good at all. Nothing can change the way i feel not even when you try to show me that you care so much for me because there is just a big hole which people had created. I tolerate too much already. I think is time, i take a break from everything. I want to be a lonely girl once more, where everything feel so peaceful though it is torturing but as long as i don't get hurt, I would feel good with it.

p.s:Life is getting harder and harder, and to be strong, all you have to do is get closer to Allah.

2011-07-05T10:43:00.001+08:00

A man came home from work late, tired and irritated, to find his 5 year old son waiting for him at the door.

"Daddy, may I ask you a question?"

"Yeah, sure, what is it?" replied the man.

"Daddy, how much money do you make an hour?"

"That's none of your business! What makes you ask such a thing?" the man said angrily.

"I just want to know. Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?" pleaded the little boy.

"If you must know, I make $20.00 an hour."

"Oh, " the little boy replied, head bowed. Looking up, he said, "Daddy, may I borrow $10.00 please?"

The father was furious. "If the only reason you want to know how much money I make is just so you can borrow some to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed. Think about why you're being so selfish. I work long, hard hours everyday and don't have time for such childish games."

The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door. The man sat down and started to get even madder about the little boy's questioning. How dare he ask such questions only to get some money. After an hour or so , the man had calmed down, and started to think he may have been a little hard on his son. May be there was something he really needed to buy with that $10.00 and he really didn't ask for money very often. The man went to the door of the little boy's room and opened the door. "Are you asleep son?" he asked.

"No daddy, I'm awake," replied the boy.

"I've been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier," said the man. "It's been a long day and I took my aggravation out on you. Here's that $10.00 you asked for."

The little boy sat straight up, beaming. "Oh, thank you daddy!" he yelled. Then, reaching under his pillow, he pulled out some more crumpled up bills. The man, seeing that the boy already had money, started to get angry again. The little boy slowly counted out his money, then looked up at the man.

"Why did you want more money if you already had some?" the father grumbled.

"Because I didn't have enough, but now I do," the little boy replied.

"Daddy, I have $20.00 now… Can I buy an hour of your time?"

Give time to your children, because its easy to get carried away with life.

2011-07-03T17:02:00.004+08:00

Oh Allah, teach me to love others just like I love myself, teach me to judge myself just like I judge others. And if I have wronged anyone, give me the courage to apologize, and if anyone wronged me, give me the courage to forgive because you have taught me forgiveness is the highest level of strength and revenge is the highest level of weakness and I ask you not to forget me in your forgiveness.

Alhamdulillah, I ended my test. Thats the good news. The bad news will come when my results are out. Truth be told this week was the worst week. I wasn't able to concentrate like how I used too, during my exam period .Only for those who follow me in twitter knew the aggravation of what truly happen to me. It breaks my heart to see people say sorry without truly meaning it and not thinking about the suffering people bear due to their actions.

Part of me still ache and pain while others could just pity me. Despite the severity of the case, I still went to take my exam, with a smile on my face ,accompanied by a flower on my scarf. I hoped Allah could give me at least a reasonable mark for me to smile. It was a tough week. Almost every night before I sleep, I told mum to forgive me if my marks won't suffice. Dad has been a supportive father praying for me.

I may bleed inside but I don't want that to stop me from smiling and leading a normal life.

Tomorrow will be the start of 2nd term, that is how fast time flies and in 5 weeks time, I am taking my End of Semestral Exam which is super pressurizing. 5 papers, 50% each. The number 5 haunts me every night. Most of my focus will be on my examination to at least secure my 50%. Insya-Allah, i will be able to do that. My cousins are taking their last exam for poly life. Unfair right? One is going for 6 months internship while the other travels to China to study there and have the internship there. It feels sad to be in the same age yet a step back. I shouldn't fret but be thankful I made it to Poly though it is one step behind them, I know one day I will catch up.

Recently, I have been on a shopping binge. GSS mah! So I am running away from dresses and going for skirts. So much of trying to be a ladylike though I always fail. You see each time, I see a muslimah who dress nicely than me, I wonder why I can't be like them. Then again, i tell myself, we're unique. They have their styles while I have mine. Obviously I can never look like them because I have a sexy body[not!]. I'm a little bigger and cuter than them with a size 'M'. When I see their body, I always wish I was like that but then again I was thankful that I was like this. Just because I don't have a good methabolism rate people always take advantage of people like me. I don't understand girls who are already skinny and keep telling themselves that they are fat, that is an insult.

Only people like me would appreciate going for runs and to take care of my body though I am not in secondary school anymore. My guy friends all know that I want to have abs but my abs can never happen because I am not routine and discipline enough to be like them, exercising almost everyday to get their muscles. I just do whatever it takes to at least control my body weight. I have always had a passion in sport and never dance or etc. Why sports? Maybe because both my parents were active in sports when they were young. Don't ask me what happened after that ok. It is always up to an individual on how they define " Healthy Lifestyle" in my case I always run or take care of my meals. Nowadays, I keep to a routine of " No eating after 9". I can't go further then 9 because the food needs to digest and for someone whose eyes starts to shut as early as 10, i think 9 is a reasonable time to let your mouth rest. At 10, I am already sleepy, the only reason when you message me at 11 or 12, I am still answering your calls or messages is because I am forcing myself to stay awake to complete my work. The only reason why I hate driving at night too. You see I wake up as early as 5.30 and how tired I am in the afternoon, I still keep myself awake, therefore that explains why i sleep at 10 when I am free.

On days I am not free to do my jogs are when the weather is not in my favour or the timetable don't allow me. I know some of you will say that, ' I can always jog in the afternoon or night'. Here is a theory one of my friend taught me that I remembered till today. You see when you jog in the morning, you are losing the fat you gain yesterday, so when you eat later at least you gain the weight which you lose in the morning. However, if you run in the afternoon or at night, you are burning fats which you had during lunch or your breakfast.

Some may not have the same thinking but well, the other only reason why I haven't been running at night any longer is because Mum don't allow me and there was once that I did not heed her advice, I fell while running after which I taubat.hehehe

When I start working, there is always a lack of time to exercise, my only way out would still be afternoon or night run or run during the weekends. At the end of the day, it comes to the same thing. Another thing, I am good at is walking at a very fast rate. I walk at a lightning speed if you must know. I don't know why I walk so fast maybe because I am not someone who likes to waste time or maybe because I hate being late. I always tell my friends " How late I am, I am always early." I message people I am late but end up I am earlier than them. Since I am an accountant, I am a little bit stingy to fork out my money at times. Those who takes public transport knows how much it cost to travel especially for youth who are not earning that much, saving for transport is a must then. Some might just ask for extra money but I won't, is my discipline to manage my own pocket money and how to divide it between transport, food and fun. On days I feel like I don't have enough money to last me, I will walk back home. In fact, I walk back home at night too. I consider my house near although it is 3 bus stop away from Jurong Point.

Another new tip which I learn is to place healthier food at home. So far, only one of my friend ever come to my house not during Hari Raya time and saw the junks of tidbits that I have at home. It even has it's own corner. As much as I like to eat, I never buy tidbits, whatever tidbits you see at home belongs to my ibu and mama. If I were to go fairprice with them, they will reach out for a tidbit and then never eat it or maybe eat it later. You all see lah, the people who is driving my fats. So, instead of buying tidbits, I buy less salt biscuits with hi-fibre, raisins, wholemeal bread and more. So that when I am hungry, at least I am eating healthier food.

I am thankful to the magazine Cleo because it teaches me a lot of healthy facts. Almost every month I learn a new exercise and a new thing that starts to create pain and ache everyway. You see, exercise does involve some money but not a lot if you know what is right. Instead of buying teenage, 8 days, etc... Cleo provide a better coverage in terms of what a girl needs to know, from fashion to lifestyle to relationship and even finacial support.

I am not promoting Cleo but it is based on my interest when I read Cleo. I ever wanted to buy a book about abs once which cost $40 after discount. I'm lucky that I did not buy. So eversince, my sis or cousin starts reading cleo, I read them too and i'm thankful it provide with the exercise guide and what food we should eat and what drinks we should try on to lose weight and don't trust vitamin water.

I think it is important to takecare of ones health because my health is not that good either. I would encourage girls to take up, sports or even walking at this age instead of going to club and drink and spoil our immune system. We are still young, don't let things like this affect our future health.

2011-06-23T16:41:00.003+08:00

No matter how good or bad life is, wake up and be thankful to Allah. Someone somewhere else is fighting to survive.

I am busy with exams for now not only with exams but with many other things.

I will blog as much as possible once exams are over and when i have available time.

My days are all occupied for July. I can't believe it either. I can even forget about my birthday celebration and so can you. Is like after my school end, i will be running to do another thing. Sadly for my family members too because I can't take over the market job in case they want to go for a short vacation and neither can I go for cousin weddings which I have skipped so many times and many relatives are looking for me.

I have never felt this busy before but I thanked Allah too that the tight schedule comes with a heavy responsibility. If you have not known, I am part of the SB Ambassador team and I have a great team with me. Yes, I maybe the odd one out again but I am happy to made it inside the team because it is not easy. Also, I am happy that I am able to do part of my duty for the less fortunate by participating in the Bintan CIP trip which is also gonna be very fun because I made a few friends despite me being the only one in my class who went to apply for it.

At times, I have to be on my own and put less dependant to have friends around. I know along the way, I will make friends with people. Afterall, if we die, we die alone, we can't plead to have our friends with us.

If you intend to go out with me, you can dream on. I will only be available in October. My friends should know me better than others. I have always had a tight schedule. I believe it is going to be even more tight as I aged.

Despite only having one ear, to depend on for now, I am not complaining or grumbling about it. I am praying each day for a speedy recovery and that I am able to listen like a normal person. I hope that you too could pray for me.

"Do the best you can do, then with prayer Allah SWT will do the best you can't do. It is easy to get discouraged when things are going bad, but we shouldn't lose heart because Allah SWT is at work in our lives, even in the midst of our pain and suffering"

To end this post, I miss my girls, the last time, i met them, did not had the chance to laugh and share stories with them. Hopefully, a day will come whereby all of us are free to do so and maybe have a picnic.

2011-06-09T11:24:00.003+08:00

Above are stories taken from islamic thinking.. Stories that have valuable meanings behind it.

You should seriously follow this person and read the storytime everyday. It sends a powerful message to you and make you realise certain things in life.

I love it so much, in fact, it has been my story telling session each night. Yup, I can't sleep without reading a story.#FACTS ABOUT ME

If you can't see just click on the story and it will direct you to a much clearer view. Happy reading!

2011-06-08T15:26:00.002+08:00

A brand new life, begins here...

Assalamualaikum..

Hey there lovelies.

Remember, my broken bed? After I put it up on my blog everyone started messaging me and laughing at it.

Thinking that I was jumping on that bed to cause it to break into pieces even before I used it.. You are wrong, I wasn't jumping. I was standing on my bed doing something else.

My aunt and uncle who witness the tragic incident of my bed was so sweet to get me a new bed straight away. I didn't mind sleeping on top of the matress without any bed but they felt that since I want my room to be groom, i might as well do it right. There you go I have got a cosy room now.

How has my experience been eversince I slept on a bed after so many years? It has been great.

One thing I need to be mindful of is that i have not been able to wake up early because the curtain blinds off the sun. Whether it is the morning sun or afternoon sun, I would have no idea what time of the day it is because to me once I open up my eyes, all I could see is darkness.

Not bad, for choosing a dark colour curtain. My family finds it nice too. In fact, not bad for a curtain that cost less than $10.

Remember, I am very selfish when it comes to money. Anything cheap and nice, I will just buy. I don't bother to go look for lucrative curtains because every few years your itchy mind will want a change.

It was a really havoc day last sunday. I want to thank all my aunties and uncle who came down specifically to get my room ready for me. After so many years, my voice was heard. Thanked Allah for opening my mum's heart, agreeing on a new change. There are just a few more details I wish to add to my room but for now. Mum, Dad and Sis are enjoying my room vibrant and environment. My hardwork did pay off at last. All the money spend to get the room ready was worthwhile.

I can't stop laughing, remembering what my aunt says " Wah, dah boleh tunang dalam bilik nie lah!"... Tunang eh? WLL.

Getting engage has never come across my mind. Even dad, mum and ibu are against getting engage. They feel that if you are ready, just go ahead and get married. Don't waste money on engagement.

They say, it's good to heed old people advice.

I owe this blog karya post and what my daddy wants from a guy who is going to marry his daughter.

Have been tirelessly uploading photos for the past few days. Except for today, the rest of the day, the computer has caused trouble. Shall share with you on my next blog update.

2011-05-31T17:02:00.002+08:00

I expect to pass through this life once. Therefore, if there be any kindness I can show, or good thing I can do for another human being, let me do it now, for I shall not pass this way again. Whoever meets the needs of his brother, Allah will meet his needs, and whoever relieves a Muslim of some distress. Allah will relieve him of some of the distress in the day of resurrection.

Assalamualaikum.......
I am happy that at last the holiday will commenced next week. 3 weeks of holiday= 3 weeks of studying. Alhamdulillah, I have been coping well with school.. Afterall, putting myself away from facebook was a success. I have many underlying reasons which I did not disclose why I put myself out of facebook and how irritating it can be for many others that are using facebook as a way of connection to get in touch with me and update me of events. Muahahahaha. Sorry people, for now facebook is out of my world. I still prefer blogging because at least I can share with you my thoughts, albeit not all of them. So since my exams starts after holiday, I shall utilized my time well. Starting from ironing the pile of clothes. My aim is to finsih ironing it by wednesday.

Life has been pretty mundane for me. The same old thing happening. I shall not mention because I think some people will get bored of it. Sometimes, I salute myself, how I can get through certain point of time. I can only thanked Allah for bringing me to the right path.

At the end of the day, I might still go to Bintan and best of all my Bintan trip friends don't message me their contact numbers. For now, I have no idea what am i supposed to do. Good Luck to me. I am feeling down but I will always be day to bring your spirit up.

I will share with you another day, an advice given by my dad, to all my future husband that might be out there somewhere. Something some might be able to pass through easily but it all depend on you and the person you are. Something I find vital to have in each family too.However, some might be unfortunate but like I said if there is a will, there should be a way. Obviously, the first question my dad would ask if i were to bring a guy home.
Curious right?
WLL for my next post.. Muahahahaha

Now and forever - Richard Marx

2011-05-31T16:45:00.000+08:00

2011-05-29T12:34:00.002+08:00

I have been really busy lately. I've never felt as busy as this before. But this time round I am not kidding you. On top of a few friends who I felt distance with this week and maybe weeks ago, I cried a lot too because I was tired and with so many people scolding me and etc. I thought, that was my last point of strength and I just had to let go.

I have no idea why some friends didn't message me as usual or even give me a call. Not that I asked for it. But one thing I hate is the way they treat me. When we get to know each other, they message me almost everyday and every hour but when they meet new people and had better life, they forgot about friends who were there for them at the beginning. Angry? Maybe not. Disappointed?Yes. I always lose friends. I'm just plain useless.

On top of that I made it in the S.M.A.R.T committee and there is so much things to do. Plus, I am going to Bintan, another commitment that i need to put in.

And recently, 3 of my relatives passed away, one day after another.

Can you imagine? How stressful I am that I had to cancel my tuition with my tutees for two weeks for some of them. I am reconsidering my Bintan trip for now, I want to go but...

Plus, planning for my class party which my teacher kept asking for the details and plans.

You see, I have got so many commitment, it starts from my family, many should have known that my family has a business and I have to handle the market on weekend and if there is by chance someone who order for wedding, there goes my weekend. Plus, my mum is an accountant, you know how busy accountant can be with their month end, year end and auditor's coming. She takes every opportunity during my term break to pay me to do housework. I should be thankful, yes. But you know the condition of my house when school starts right?The laundry, the dust and the kitchen especially.

Secondly, my commitment goes to my tutee's family. I feel committed to them because they pay me to help their children improve their grades. If I can't be committed, how can I accept their money? That just shows my insincerity to not help their children. But that is not me. Each time, I cancel tuition means a week of lesson plan is gone. They could have learn more if I have taught them consistently. I am not there to earn money, I just want to make a difference in people life. To make them believe that things are possible to achieve and it is not difficult if you change the way you think and keep telling yourself you can do it. My parents remind me that when you teach, never think about the money, always think about the results you want them to achieve. I am not a good educator, but i give my best in helping them. I make a difference in my life and I want them to feel that too.

Lastly, my commitment goes to school. My education. To be a volunteer, to be a leader and to be a good student. But with so many commitment, I don't know which should I forgo, because going bintan would be an essential step for me. But they keep wanting to do things on saturday which I can't.

Last words: I'm just too stress and I have so many meetings circulating me.

Sorry to those whose messages I have not reply. This is me from secondary school. You just have got to learn to be patient with my tight schedule. It is beyond my control. Every free time is used up for meetings and meetings and meetings.

If you want to love me, love my schedule first.

Good Luck!

Anang feat Syahrini ~ Jangan Memilih Aku [ HD video Clip ]

2011-05-18T22:34:00.000+08:00

I love songs. Come on who don't. I relate my feelings through song if I can't tell people how I feel, I will share with you a song or a lyric to make me feel good. Usually i listen to english songs but sensasi has made me enjoy malay music.Therefore, for those who are losing your root like me, i will advice to enjoy this music clip.
Enjoy listening.
and this lyrics
Bila dilanda musibah,
Hati tabah mula rebah,
Jangan biarkan dugaan,
Rapuhkan pedoman hidup.

Andai waktu itu tiba,
Semaikan sifat bersabar,
Hanya dia saja menentu
Dan kita saja mampu sujud.

Jika direnung kembali, dari kehidupan
Pelbagai halangan kutempuh penuh cabaran,
Tiada satupun kuhadapi dengan senang dan
Tiada satupun ku hadapi dengan tenang.

Tapi ku bersyukur
Di saat ku murung
Ku musikkan dalam kedua telapak tangan
Semangat yang dah luntur
Harapan yang dah terkubur
Diberi arah untukku teruskan.

Pernah kulihat mereka
Yang hilang segalanya
Insan yang tersayang
Atau harta benda
Pancaroba bencana juga malapetaka
Adalah sebahagian ujian dunia.

Janganlah kita melupakanNya,Ketika langit cerah bersinar
Janganlah kita melupakannya,Ketika langit mendung tak bercahaya.

Andai waktu itu tiba
Semaikan sifat bersabar
Hanya dia saja menentu
Dan kita hanya mampu sujud.

Anyway, your wish is my command. Many have been asking me to put more than my one pathetic post in case they miss my latest post. So here you go. 3 post. Enough or not?
Your yours truly, fell sick again yesterday. I don't know what is wrong with me nowadays. I have been having an extremely high fever that reach as high as 40 degree celcius and nowadays my high fever comes in a combo set. Yes, combo set of vomitting. Yesterday was my worst.
I wish that this won't happen again. I wish my body could with hold as much stress as I carry more responsiblity on my back.

2011-05-17T08:46:00.003+08:00

Good Morning Sunshine!

Today is Vesak Day! I don't know the significance of Vesak Day but i know it is celebrated by Buddha. So Happy Vesak Day to them.

Many people have been sms-ing me, asking me how I have been and such. I have been really down lately. If I were to describe myself based on a graph, I am a negative exponential graph.Though I don't cry as much as before, i still do shed a few tears every now and then. I cry for a specific reason which I won't disclose. It struck me that, there is a point of time, I should really think about myself and not others and maybe Allah has a better plan for me.
I should stop believing in certain things. I became more rational in deciding and doing the best action without hurting anyone. Like I've said many times, I don't mind getting hurt as long as they are happy. It will take time for me to overcome this feeling but insya-allah i'll find my way out of it. Just be assure, like the above picture, i won't let that smile go, instead I will show people that I am a strong person and I could overcome everything. I will trust Allah because he give the best choices to everyone be it good or bad.

"The way I see it,if you want rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain"

If I want happiness, I will have to overcome every obstacle with patience and optimism.

On a happy note, check it out. Yes,people, I have got my own room. Though it is still messy here and there but I am at least glad that I have my own room now. More freedom for me. Even when I am writing this post, I am in my room and don't have to hide every word that I am typing from my parents. Look at the bed.

You all want to hear a sad story?

Here it goes

Remember, from the past few post if you have even bothered to read and check out. Remember that I had a proper bed? Guess what happened on one fateful day?

My mum's family were here having our once a month gathering as usual. They were in my room to help me clear out the tupperware and convincing my mum to throw away as many things as possible and suddenly the bed collapse. As you know the bed was in my room for 3 years and no one has slept on it before. It has undergone so much pressure. There was no ventilation thus causing expansion and furthermore it was a wood and gone was my bed. I felt totally upset, a month of cleaning came crushing down on me.

My mum knew I was upset and one day while I was out and not back the entire day. I reached home to see that Mum and Dad with their creativity threw away some of the woods and make some as the base of my bed. I was so happy. That I started imagining what I could do to the room. Believe me as the days go on, my room will look like a garden.

Why garden?

I love going to the park if ever people know that. I love looking at greenery. If you ever notice most of the brooch I wore are mostly flowers and butterfly and not some ribbon or anything in particular. I want to make my room look like a garden so that after each stressful day in school, I am able to come home to a place I could find peace and tranquility. I even envision putting a sound system that each time I open my room door, I could hear birds chipping, the sound of wood pecker and more.

Unfortunately for now, my room is extremely blue :D

I don't really mind having such bed at least after 5 years, I have a proper bed to sleep and hopefully my spine and backbone can heal and my parents can rest assure that i won't get anymore backpain from now on. Furthermore, since I am a girl who loves to jump, with this bed, I can jump as much as I want without thinking that it will break.

I know i promise you a post on what i did as i clean my entire house during the holidays, I am still trying to upload the photo. It could be a good idea for me to share with you closer to fasting month, maybe it helps to inspire you to help your mum to get your house done before hari raya.

School has kept me packed because Year 2 allow us to be more involved in school activities. Year 2, if i could describe is almost similar to Sec 3 whereby, you became a senior and slowly the intensity starts to build and the only time you see poeple grow out of their comfort zone and changed. School has been really stressful. My modules are fairly tough especially tax. Everyone is complaining about it. There is just so many sections to learn, same as law. I feel like a lawyer having to remember so many law under differect acts. Remember Yam Ah Mee when he announced the results on election day with his popular line,

"Pursuant to Section 49, subsection 7E, paragraph A of the parliamentary election act"

Just imagine if you have to remember this but not only one section but many sections. That is just how tough life as an accountant can be. I put my faith and soul in Allah, hoping that I could get through Year 2 with ease and won't fail but instead soar. I always remind myself, the sky is the limit.

I have been spending half my time on studies this days that explains why I could catch up with my tutorials. Every spare time is spend on studying and reading.

I signed up for an overseas CIP trip to bintan. I have no idea what made me do it. People always follow the crowd whereas I choose to step out of my comfort zone again and decide to try my luck on this Bintan CIP trip. The results whether i am chosen for this trip or not is not out yet. I choose to go for this trip and my friends are not going to be around, instead most of them are going for HongKong study trip whereby they visit places and shop. I usually deny doing something without a companion but this time round I told myself, if I want something I can't rely on others, I have to go on my own and just do it. I took the courage and bravery to sign up and if I am accepted I will just have to pray hard that I will make friends and enjoy myself over there. Afterall, I am about to end my schooling days, I should make the best out of every opportunity that is given. I don't want to regret later when I am older for not trying out certain things.

I am exceptionally sorry to most of my friends that have been asking me to attend performance and to go out with them. I told you before I wasn't giving excuses. Above is the picture of my schedule. You can see for yourself how pack my week can be. Just when I thought I could spend my holiday studying for my exams. One week of my holiday is already spend on helping out with the school event. SPexperience and YES. SMART club is now known and more open. Thus a lot of teachers will ask for our help. By the end of Year 2, I will have a gold for my CCA. For now, I can only tell you a sad news that my saturday and sunday are already taken up. If you plan to ask me out, save your question until I am done with semestral one exams. Not term one but semestral one.

I will end this long post. Enjoy your holiday.

2011-05-14T17:45:00.002+08:00

Today, my love died.
Read the above picture, it means a lot, something i grab from tumblr.
Remember that, whenever you are in love, you should not love that person as much as you love Allah and when you find a partner make sure they are in the same par as you.

2011-05-06T09:24:00.003+08:00

I am supposed to be at the MRT station waiting for Kim Hong at this time but here I am at home trying to recover from stomach flu or gastric flu or whatever flu.

It is sure irritating. One thing I supposed everybody hated most was when you vomit out. I used to vomit a lot when I was young and I hate that feeling when you puke out and what is even more disgusting is to see your own vomit.

I was sitting in front of my toilet bowl last night when I gave up and told my mum to send me to the doctor. Afterall, i need a rest but missing lectures are not fun either.

What I did during my holidays?

I was busy finishing up my homework, I am not kidding you. I had so many double tutorials from next week.

I will have double cost tutorial, double tax tutorial and double Fundamentals of Finance tutorial.

With all this it is a sure thing, not only me but my friends too are undergoing so much stress and all we need is a much deserve rest. Haven't I told you before that when it is school holiday, we are really on a holiday whereby no homework or CCA to stress us up but when school starts there is no such things as having a single rest. Especially with my tight schedule, with me working 2 jobs. It is not at all easy but with the help from Allah, Alhamdulillah up till now i am still able to cope with it.

On Monday 2nd May, we had a surprise birthday celebration for Fateha.
I remembered meeting Kenneth and telling him that i have not met the girls for over 3 months.
No Joke. All of us are busy with our lives that we have no time to meet.
They all kept asking why i deactivated my facebook.
Well, like i once said, i do not wish to deactivate my facebook but because I am so much addicted to it and because I need my attention span back on my studies. I made a difficult choice but to deactivate it. You think , i love deactivating something that can make me socialize with my friends, well no.I wish everyone understands my position it wasn't to my best interest but i did out of my own goodwill.
Even my family wasn't happy with it.
So, it was a surprise party and you know i have not really make any surprise party for anyone not that i plan this party but i just do not know how a surprise party will work.
So, we waited for the birthday girl for quite sometime and it works. Fateha cried tears of joy and happiness and when she hug me, i was happy for her too and I almost cried,[ actually i cried].If I was in her shoe I might do it as well.
Seriously surprise party for me won't work because I somehow could already predict that I will be surprised. I am never caught offguard. So, if you are trying to do some surprise party for me make sure I am really surprised because half the time i am not. I am the spoiler of my own party. However, as I grew older, birthday is something i don't really look forward too not because I will become older but i don't find any joy. Whenever someone asked me, what would I want for my birthday, my answer would be" I don't know" because i don't know what I want, what I should look forward too and how am i supposed to celebrate this special day.
I am just a girl with no ambition and direction.

Since Hidayah couldn't make it, it was us and Najib. Still 5 people what. Yes, Shikin and Haini kept telling me that I was difficult to keep in contact with. I did not pick up my phone and etc.
Don't bedek okay. How many times, we had an outing, i was there in the picture and either one of you are not?huh?huh?huh? I am always there despite how busy I can be, I've always make the time to be there for all of you and how am I not contactable. I must not deny that at times, i don't pick up phone call or answer your messages because my phone is silent half the time and by the time I saw your messages it was the next day and it was too late.

Fateha's brother, Fathul, was so much in love with me on that day. He kept coming to me and was smiling at me. Maybe he thinks that I am fateha.hehe. Obviously not. Even Fateha's Mum was amused that he can cling on to me. This boy really take over his father's features. To see him smiling is very difficult so this was one of the rare moments.

Can I have a brother too or maybe a son?hehehehe

Facts about me: If I had a son, I want one of its name to be "Hasbi" because Ustaz Hasbi Hassan gave my father my name. So i want my son to be named " Hasbi". Maner tahu dengan kehendak Allah, my future son is also an ustaz. Insya-Allah.

It was just a wish but time will tell if this world will stay long for me to even see myself get married. Monday was well spent meeting the girls, ever since the meeting with Kenneth, i suddenly meet so many friends, like the girls, yu qing and yong seng. I've yet to meet the rest. I miss my secondary school mates. Did i tell you that I love meeting kenneth?

Kenneth and I are good schoolmates, I remembered when we are in class, when I can't do something he always help and motivate me and just like when I met him, he asked me how was I doing, i told him about life in poly and yes, he was again there motivating me.

Nothing beats the days you spent in secondary school because it was truly a good 5 years.

So,I would encourage people who are in secondary school, to enjoy every moment of it and not make any foes and stop complaining about how bad it is because when you step in a tertiary school then will you realise that secondary school is the best. That is the only time you can communicate a lot with your friends. Tertiary school kind of restrict your communication not only with your friends but also with your teachers.

2011-05-03T22:50:00.002+08:00

Doctor's can be frustrating can't they? You wait a month for an appointment and then they shake their heads and say, "I wish you would come to me sooner."

I'm tired, stress and lack of sleep.

Go figure my sickness.

2011-04-27T16:37:00.001+08:00

2011-04-22T15:40:00.002+08:00

I'm back to school after 2 months break.

Yes, remember that freaky 2 months, whereby i sit at home, work, clean the house and more. It finally came to an end. Here, I am falling sick the moment, I stepped back to school. I am going through the sick of school symtom. Is there even such things?

First week have been rather horrible because I've lots of admin work to do for the class especially. Rushing here and there to get things done and make sure they have their notes before lecture starts. Year 2 will not be easy, don't even bother to ask me out because I may not have that spare time for you. Do allow me to enjoy my love of studying and to achieve my dreams.

Alhamdulillah eversince I started school, i was offered a lot of things like being nominated for poly forum whereby i would be able to share political views with one of the ministers, a month study at either Manchester or Australia and more.

Everything has to happen in September and being someone who is so thrify, lack of confidence and who is concerned of my well being. I have decided to reject all the offers. Many would die to get such offer, yet someone like me who was given, rejected all these. I have my reasons when I reject something. For now, i will just pray to Allah, hoping that he give me guidance in all the decisions I've made and helped me through another academic year in SP.

On April 20th it was Mum's birthday. Many have known that I am not really close with my mum because she is working half the time. She leaves the house as early as 6.30 come home at 7.30. Eat and clean the house and by 9, she is seating down again infront of the television continuing her work which she brought back from her workplace. So, you see, my sister and I, lack that attention from our Mum. Sometimes, I wished she understand me, however most of the time, i silently feel thankful for having her. Yes, she does lack what most mum can do like cooking and everything but I feel great to have a Mum who is very hardworking and very thrifty. For i would have never lived this kind of life, if it was not for her.

I got tired of people saying that I come from a rich family. Alhamdulillah, yes, for now i can get everything I want if I wanted too. What people don't know is that how much both my parents actually saved their money? Do you know that my parents shifted house in 2000 just so that my mum can take free transport to work instead? Do you know that my parents packed food to work? Do you know that my parents bought a van so that they could saved on petrol? Do you know that my dad till today cooked for wedding and everything, just to bring back home more income for the family, despite having leg and backbone problem?

Most of you, if you have parents that can afford everything, if you want an itouch, your parents will get it for you. My parents are the other way round, if I want an itouch, i will have to save money to get it. I would be lying if I say that I don't hate my parents are a certain point of time, I do when I don't get what I want. When I asked my dad, why don't you want to buy it for me? They will say that, if they were to spend all their money on unnecessary things, what happened if one day, i get into university, how are they going to pay for my school fees if they don't start saving from now. I still contemplate previously but I got used to it now. Slowly, I became like them. Don't blame me if one day, i keep saving and not spending. :D

I won't bore you with my family story. If you want to know more, boo, i won't tell you.

Anyway Happy 51st Birthday Mum. Amazing isn't it, we are both growing up so fast. I admire your beauty, at the age of 51, you don't even have wrinkles. Can you imagine it?Hopefully if this world stands strong enough, I want to be like you when I am in my 50's still retaining that beautiful look of yours. Thanks Mum for giving birth to me and sister. Though both of your pregnancy was tough especially mine. Thanks for all the hardwork that you have put yourself through to give the family a better life. I can't promised you if I could do the same, but hopefully I can. I will try to do my best in my studies to provide for you, dad and not forgetting ibu too.

Happy birthday Mum.

Ibu's birthday was a month before Mum, just that hers fall on 20th March. Ibu is there emotionally for me. We are always mistaken for Adik and Kakak. I look that old meh. Actually no, my grandma beauty was passed on to all her children. If you were to see the entire range of Heidi's family be it the guy or the girls, you will see that they look younger than their age. I wished I will grow up to be like them too. We often get a lot that we looked like chinese but we always cast that idea off. We are proud to be a boyanese.

Ibu took care of me eversince I shifted house and leave next to her. Taking care of me when I was young was troublesome because I am very stubborn and like now, I do cry a lot and sulk a lot too when I was young. I have so much to thank this beautiful woman who was there for me through my ups and down. I share a lot with her. Thanks ibu, for always being there for me, like mum, you too gave me a bright future. You were always there for me. When I am sick, though it wasn't your cooking days, at times, you will just come and cook me porridge. You were there to feed my every meal and make me this fat girl.hehe. I don't know how else can I thanked you for everything you have done for me and sis. Like what I said to you once before, my dream of buying a big house and put you and ayah, mum and dad, obek nani and obek nana under one roof and have you all taken under my care. I don't care now, how my life will turn out, all I care is that I am able to pay back every one of your kindness.I can't promise but I hoped each one of you will pray for my well-being and that I will be able to provide you with a better future.

I said before family comes first before friend. All of you come first before anything else.

2011-04-15T17:09:00.002+08:00

It is crazy to think how different your life would be if you never met those few people that changed everything.

Today's post is basically sharing my achievement of putting on hijab for almost a year.

Well, funny isn't it we always celebrate things like birthday, christmas, children's day and etc. But small and yet the most wonderful thing like putting on a hijab, we choose not to.

If only I had more friends, maybe I would have celebrated because trust me, to put on a hijab when you are already used to showing your hair and stuff is not easy. To wear long sleeve, to always keep up with your behaviour and pride when you are used to doing things the other way round is not easy.

Obviously, putting on a hijab was the greatest achievement in my life.

Often, I feel that I have not achieve many things, I kept comparing myself with others, why they score better? Why they had nicer body shape? Why after all my hard work, I still don't feel gratified with what I achieved?

It goes down to why?why?why?why?

One day, I realised that if I keep comparing myself with others, I will never realised all the achievement that I have actually gained. That was when I told myself to stop comparing and accept everything that comes my way because some people out there are less fortunate than me. Life has never been fair, what I lack of, is what someone else could do better and that is what I have to accept.

Some of my friends knew way beforehand that I had an intention to put on a hijab. Actually, i turn over a new leaf in the middle of Secondary 3 when I was in Madrasah, when my Ustazah back then says something that sends message not only to my head but to my heart. Something that makes me thing and makes me feel so afraid.

Before this, if you have known me, I was prone to lying to my dad. When my dad asked if I had prayed, I will run to my aunt house to escape his question.[ If you haven't known too, my aunt used to live next to me] If he goes there, after his prayer, he asked again, I said " I did". If my aunt is not at home, my next trick was to take abulation and then go to my sis room, lock the door, sit inside for 15 mins and come out, acting like I just prayed. That was how bad, I was. Please, never learnt all these from me. I don't feel proud of doing these.

When I start embarking on my new life, people obviously stop me. Friends asked me, why I prayed in class in front of everyone and etc. I don't care at that point of time how my chinese friends see me as because what matter most is that I get to do what needs to be done. When you want to change, you have to be stern to yourself, that is what i believe in. If I wasn't stern to myself, if I keep contemplating things, I will never be where I am now. When more rooms were open in the new Yuan Ching building. It was easier for me to pray since there was malay room. Things get easier by then. It struck me before my 'O' level results that if I do well in my 'O' level, I vow to change and to put on hijab.

What makes me put on was because I felt that I was chosen by Allah. I remember listening to stories from my dad and reading from my religious book that Allah don't give his guidance[Hidayah] to anyone, Allah select whoever who Allah wants to give. I felt that I was one of them, obviously, I can't be sure with that, but I believed I was one of them. In fact, all of us will be one of them, if we want too and when we start to open our eyes and not be stubborn and egoistic with what we feel, when we think of the afterlife more than we think of the life, we have now. Whatever sins we make, remember Allah is forgiving,it is never too late if we start now. Not forgetting the random chats I had with dad. Dad always says to me, " No point adik, if you pray 5 times a day but you don't cover yourself". You earn the points by praying but you lose your points when you show your aurat. It made me cogitate day and night.

So, i decided to put on hijab. When? No one knows. I wanted to surprise my parents but my sister big mouth cannot keep quiet. Like how I told her I passed D_______, she went to annouce it on facebook. I don't feel angry, but my surprises never goes right all the time.

1st day of orientation, I didn't know if I should or shouldn't. No one was there for me, to push me on, to motivate me, to support me. I went to school with the scarf on my hand. I keep asking myself, should I or should I not put on. I felt awkward, of course because I've never done such things before. Like I said earlier, if you want to change, you have to be stern with yourself, I took the courage and bravery to put it on, I went to the toilet and some people stare at me. Who cares right? That was the start of my hijab day. Good thing for me, on my first day of hijab, I met 2 of my Yuan Ching friends at frontier library[ You know who you are], they were the first 2 who saw my change. Not even my parents, aunt, sister or friends have seen me before they do.

Putting on hijab wasn't easy, people kept asking me to take it off. Telling me that I am still young, I should enjoy. Saying that I look older than my age. Making life difficult for them because I had to pray every few hours and many more. I closed my ears to whatever they say because what matter most at the end of the day, is the one that matters.

People say, you can put it on when you are older. Be it, I put it on now or later, everyone would question my intention. Everyone is inquisitive, they love to pry on why out of a sudden, someone change. I just have to accept it along the way. Alhamdulillah, today, after a year, many people accept me for who I am, they support me by buying me as many headscarf. I can't thanked them enough for respecting my decision.

I am not saying, I'm already a true muslimah that after i put on hijab I am not making any sin. In fact, i am still doing some of them but I keep pushing myself to become someone better. Like how I used not to jog with a scarf, now I do. I used to look for tight clothings, I try to look for something bigger but still nice to put on and more. It takes time but is the effort that counts. All of us do make sins, but when we do, we learnt from it and try to refrain doing it again. If can, improve on it and be a better person at the end of the day.

That is exactly what I am now, I keep putting in effort to change.

For now, I think , I deserve to treat myself to something for my achievement.

I hoped many people would be inspired to change.

Ok, I am babbling nonsense because I am talking to ____________________ on the phone

Bye.

2011-04-13T08:36:00.003+08:00

I wonder if anyone had ever looked at me and thought, " Wow, she's beautiful"

One of the rare photo of me and sis..

Hey all, How's life? I hoped not many people are missing me. * Dream on Rabi'atul*

I am prepared for school , i think. I need to embrace myself for a new academic year which I heard it will get tougher. There is no such thing as I can't, i think I can. I've worked my way up and i won't let myself down.

Well many people asked if I need a psychiatrist or am I going through a depression. Thanks for your concern. I feel sad to know that everyone is labelling me like as if I really need a professional help. Have you ever asked yourself, maybe that helped can come from you? I went through a bitter part of life and I could still stay strong till today. Yes, I can't deny the fact that at times, I could go mad and I will start throwing things at home. But hey, I am still sane, I know when I need help, I pray. To tell me that I need a professional help is as good as telling me that I am insane.

Enough of telling all of you, how I feel because I find it pointless especially to know that people are judging me the wrong way. Nowadays, I bring a notepad with me wherever I go. I remembered reading somewhere that says: to bring a notepad wherever you go incase you need to let things out. Thus, I am doing just that and since I brought my notepad along, I have found more #factsaboutme as I go around.

Let's continue with

27. I love Soyabean milk. It is like a drug. I think, must be my mum's fault because when she gave birth to me, she drank lots of soyabean because there is an old saying that says if you drink soya bean you will get a fair and smooth skin baby. Mum, I think you already get that.

28. I hate medicines. Doctor says that I have difficulty swallowing medicine. Don't ask me why okay.

29. I am sensitive and I get hurt easily. When I get hurt, it takes months and years of recovery because when a heart breaks, it doesn't break even.

30.I hate people who scold others by shouting at them. I believe that you don't have to shout, you can speak nicely.

31.I don't and never used vulgar words. Not even the word stupid, babi and what so ever. I think using vulgarities and profanities are bad habits and not only that, it is hurtful. I believe you don't want your child to grow up to know all this vulgar language though they will soon find out. But come on, imagine a household with parents and children hurling vulgarities at each other, so much for a happy family. If you have got to blame someone one day, it would be yourself for not showing the right attitude to your own heritance. I hate the word stupid because I believe everyone is smart in their own way. To call someone stupid is just like calling yourself one.

32. I can rollerblade and cycle

33. I sleep in one posture and don't move around until the next morning unless I've got cramps.

34. I read Yasin every thursday.

35. It is just not me to hurt someones feeling. If there is one person to get hurt, then it should be. Thus that explains the frequent used of the word "sorry" and " Thank You".

36. I owe more than 60 pair of scarf because each time any of my aunt, cousins go overseas, scarf or shawl is so called a souveneir for me.

37. I sleep in the living room for 4 years already.

38.I forgive people easily.

39. My phone is pink and it brings a lot of memories.

40. I make a promise to myself that I can only eat fastfood every three months.

41. I have a lot of nicknames. Care to give me a new one?

42. I call my aunt "ibu". My uncle "Ayah". My mum " Mummy and Mama". My dad " Daddy and Adada". Please differentiate them okay.

43.I love to shop for shoes with my love ones because I love second opinion.

44.I turn my pessimistic thinking to something optimistic and my results says it all. I have gone through a hard time, once upon a time. Thus each time i fall, i will get back up and give my best.

45. I have been using the same phone number for the past 5 to 6 years. Though there was once upon a time i used the pizza hut number which many could still recall till today. Not bad huh.

46. Washing toilet and having the kitchen clean is my favourite house chore.

47. I love to bathe when it is raining and it must be in cold water.

48. I love pulling my nose.* Kononnya dapat hidung mancung*

49. I have been a class chairman for 4 years now. Alhamdulillah

50. I love to be in the dark. Especially when sleeping, my surrounding must be dark. If any light is switch on, my eyes will automatically switch on.

51. I love sardine. I can't get enough of it. But I only eat mum, ibu or any of my aunt sardine. Funny thing.hehe

52. I hate egoistic people. They are self centred and egocentric.

53. I don't make a romantic girlfriend but if you are looking for someone who don't get jealous easily or someone you can trust then maybe I can be there for you. I am not romantic but when I love someone, I really do and I mean it.

54. I am backdated when it comes to song. What do you expect with someone who doesn't even owe any earpiece? When I was young, I had problems with my ear and i did ever owe MP3 along the way but my ears started to feel pain here and there. That was when I decided that, I should stop hurting my ears with blasting music and before I turn deaf at a young age. My advice is stop blasting loud music now before you regret.

55. I don't prefer to wear black colour clothings, if possible.

56. I am a daddy's girl. If you want to get me, you have got to get through my dad.

57. I always based my relationship on trust that is why I always got my heart broken because I trust too much that I don't know that at times that my trust was broken.

58. I am strict when it comes to prayer time. That is why, whenever I make an appointment, it is usually after prayer time and if I have got an appointment, I make sure I know where to pray. I won't force someone who don't pray to come and pray with me. I think, many people are old enough to distinguish between which is more important. That is why, only on my red day, I will make an appointment with them.

59. I have a rabbit tooth like dad.teeheehee.

60. I love watching cartoons because when you are young cartoons are what makes you smile, they are educational and they are cute characters.

61. Each time I bring a bottle to school, i will never ever finish the water, only my poly friends know why.

62. I am in a CCA called S.M.A.R.T. It stands for Student Mentoring And Relations Team. I have never regretted being part of this group. Easy way to get CCA point and I didn't know that I will meet fun people. They are leaders like me.

63. Never try to lie to me because how forgetful I can be, I am very vigilant. Try to twist story, I will still get down to it.

Thats all I have for all of you.

p.s: Maybe I should just accept, I'm not good at human relationships. I was crap at getting close friends, I was crap at not getting embroiled in other people's dramas and I was crap with love.

2011-04-12T19:24:00.002+08:00

My Lovely Jet Black long hair has been chopped off because I look super unkempt in it. After 2 years, I think it deserve to have its normal hair length back. For now, I looked younger than yesterday.

Enjoying my last few days of holidays and I can't wait for school to start because learning is a passion.

2011-04-05T11:19:00.002+08:00

I may talk everyday like I won't ever get tired, laugh as if it's my last. I give advice to problem as if i know how to handle mine. I live my life just like everything is fine but the truth is giving up is next in line.

There are times you wish to be away for a moment.

So, I have decided to deactivate my facebook account for good.

You can look for me in twitter if only you can find me.

Other than that, you can be a stalker and start stalking me through my blog updates.

One thing for sure with school starting in 2 weeks, with a so called good timetable, just that I hate my friday.

#26 Factsaboutme, I HATE DURING MY SCHOOL DAYS, IF I HAVE TO GO HOME LATE ON FRIDAY. BECAUSE FRIDAY SHOULD BE ENJOYMENT DAY. A DAY WHEREBY YOU CELEBRATE THE END OF THE WEEK. With the new school timetable, with 3 hours break in between, yet again, and ending with a lecture. I can only hope for the best. Other than that, my timetable, is great.

Monday- 9 to 12

Tues- 12 to 1

Wednesday 8 to 1.

Thursday-8-4

Friday-10-5

Love the fact that it leaves so many room for me to study. Hate the fact that, I can't really do morning jogs, will try to make do with afternoon jog then.

I am taking psychology for GEMS, will start learning how to read people's mind next.

I'm sorry that I have to leave facebook. But if you still care to be friends with me.

You know the 8 numbers to call or sms.

2011-03-30T19:01:00.002+08:00

Repunzel tells us that climbing the highest tower become easy if someone at the end gives you a reason to hold on.

I didn't know getting out of misery could be tough.

It has been 4 months since I cried non-stop. Each time I brave myself for a new beginning, I simply can't.

Maybe because I will never be able to fix everything that so desperately needs repair. Maybe, because i, myself, is beyond repair. Maybe because I always feel trapped. Maybe it is a teenage angst, the desire to get away or maybe, just maybe, because I am destined for something more than this.

Truth is I need help. I need a hug, a kiss and someone telling me that I am brave and strong to go through this.

2011-03-29T12:07:00.002+08:00

Technically, I'm single. Emotionally I'm taken because in my heart, I will always be his girl.

Ignore me, I just don't feel emotionally stable.

I'm just tired with cleaning, therefore, I choose to update my blog. I will still do something later.

My parents and my friends, kept asking me to take a break, I simply told them, only by doing some work it helps me to take away whatever that i am going through. Therefore, I am sorry that I miss out a lot on family outings because I was busy travelling around Singapore teaching people, hoping that the time I spent with them was worthwhile and that I was some what, a help.

My routine for the holidays are simple. Wake up, go for a jog, clean the house, work, do housechores, watch tv shows and sleep. Mundane isn't it? I wish I could spice it up a little bit. Recently, I have been seeing this trend on my twitter, if I was not wrong #100facts about me.

I find it cool, I don't think I have 100 facts to share with you, do I? but lets just share with you some facts about me which some of you might know and might not know. I didn't want to share it on my twitter because I have no one to share too since It is a new account.

1. I hate cats simply because my mum is afraid of it. So call inheritance. My fear for cats are worst than hers. I would appreciate if people could understand the fear of someone who is afraid of cats and respect them, as much as we respect that animal and cause no harm even when we hate them, we hoped people could also respect our opinion. Stop telling us that " Cats are nice animal, it won't bite you", you forgot to tell us that they would scratch us.

2. I am someone who is afraid to show, how I really feel towards someone or anyone. If I really admire someones characteristics, I don't go up to them and tell them. I don't know how to even express my love towards my family, my mum, my dad, my sister, ibu, my grandma not forgetting my friends. To tell them that I love them is hard for me to express it out. If I ever do say " I love you" to anyone. I really meant by it. It takes courage for me to say this, I hoped that people who have heard me expressing to them, appreciate it because it doesn't come out of my mouth as easy as it is. Like I said,I am not an expressive person, but if i ever confess something, it really came from my heart.

3. I hate to be in angry mood. Yes, you can see, upfront if I am angry or not. What many won't know is that? Once, I get angry, I cry. I may not show you that I cry but I really do.

4. Speaking of crying. Number 4 would be I cry a lot. I don't know why and It feels funny. I cry a lot but when watching a show that is so sad that could bring tears to peoples eyes. I don't even drop a tear. Can you believe me? My emotions are wired wrongly, I supposed.

5. I don't know how to console people. That is why, I wish and pray, if anything happens to anybody out there, never come and look for me. I can lend you my shoulder and ears, but never ask me to speak to you or help you to calm down. I am bad at it.

6. The number of guys friends outweigh the number of girl friends I have.

7. I usually stop eating by 9. Anything after 9 means, I sleep later and I need to exercise more.

8. My lips are dry. I don't know why I don't like to drink. Maybe because half the time, I don't feel thirsty. Usually after a jog, people will be looking for a drink, but for me, I will cool down first. But by the time I cool down, I don't need a drink anymore. My mum always tell me that, " You just wait till you are dehydrated, than you will know, how important drinking is"

9. I love curry and hate sambal. I love spicy food but when it comes to choosing either curry or sambal. I go for curry. I don't know why. I remember back then when I was in China and call back home, told my aunt about the misery of food that I have to eat over there and my aunt ask me what food I wanted to eat, when I come home, I told her, " I want you to cook for me curry." The most important thing,when eating Nasi Lemak, is the sambal, I can make do without the sambal. I still do eat sambal, afterall, I am still a malay and not an indian. Curry or sambal? It is still an unhealthy food.

10. I am quite a family girl. People call me an old fashion because nowadays people go out with friends and not families. I love the company of both family and friends but when you think of the long term, friends will leave you but family will always be by your side to help you. Correct?

11. I love to smile. Come on. Who say I was arrogant? Even my S.M.A.R.T members mistook me for someone else. Thanks Tan, for waving to the wrong person each time you go to T9 and that person don't wave to you back. It is all because you have been waving to the wrong girl all this while.

12. My body can't keep still, if I hear to a music that I like. I dance at home in front of my parents. I love to dance but to hiphop music and not traditional. Unfortunately, I can never dance because my dad don't allow me.

13. I love Rock Climbing a lot. I was borned in the year of Monkey what you expect? I supposed many can see, how much I can't sit still when I was in secondary school. Running here and there, jumping here and there. No wonder, netball seems to work for me.

14. I don't like people walking on my right side. Don't ask me why. Usually who ever who walk on my right, i will stop, go to the back and shift to the right, so that they will be on my left.

Wait, was it my left side? Whatever it is, it is either side

15. I do 30 sit ups before I sleep.

16. I am very hardworking. I don't like to give up. My aunt always say that I take work seriously. I wonder how will it be if I start to work. I think If I have a family one day. I will say work comes first, family second. hehehe. So bad right?

17. I hate changes. I am slow in catching up and when things change, it takes long for me to catch up. For example, when I am in poly, it take 6 months for me to get use to a new environment and teaching style. I think my year 2, will be better if I can still get use to the change.

18. I don't like to live in a digital world. I am one IT idiot. I won't elaborate more. You make sure you know me well, to see why I call myself an IT idiot.

19. I am scared of downloading. Start laughing people. I am scared of the law, so I usually abide by the law. If I love that song, I will buy the DVD, VCD and whatever CDs.

20. I am very punctual. Tell you I will reach by 15 mins. 15 mins it will be.

21. I am a messy person but how messy I can be, at the end of the day, I make sure, it is back to it's clean state.

22. Eversince, I wore hijab, I make sure that on weekends, I wear something ladylike. Infact, I self declare, every friday, my dress code to school must be dress. No pants.

23. I don't really put on make up. I go for natural looks. Make up will only be put on, on special occasion.

24. I hate to see pimples on my face. I get panic and I will avoid going out.

25. I love to jog and recently I embarked on putting hijab while running. I started off with super short shorts, when a step further by wearing three quarters, when another step further by wearing long pants and recently Allah helped me through, now I run with everything covered from head to toe. I thanked allah who kept opening my eyes to the real world, who kept pushing me to become a better muslimah.

I only have 25 things to share but along the way, if I have more, I will share with all of you. My next entry will be about my house, the cleaning process. It is almost done and not forgetting, a celebration for putting on hijab for a year and what drives me to put it on.

2011-03-23T08:57:00.002+08:00

When I see that I am not important to a person, I take the initiative to move away. Not because I don't care anymore, but because I've realised that if he is not happy with me, there's no reason for me to stay and hold on. It is so easy to say that I am fine,but deep down inside, I'm hurt and I have to pretend that I am alright, smile and hold behind the tears because from what I see, he is doing fine without me.

Life have been super hectic for me. No doubt, I maybe at home most of the time but that doesn't mean I shake my leg, I got a lot of house work to do. The reason why I am busy cleaning my house is because, If I don't do it now, this house will get out of hand. Furthermore, my next long holiday is still faraway,so is best to start cleaning before I run out of time.

Apart from cleaning the house, I have been busy giving tuition.

When I was young my ambition has always been to be a teacher. That ambition stays with me till today but to be a teacher is not easy. So I shall make do with being a tuition teacher. Still a teacher what?

Why a teacher?

I'd always quite liked the idea of being an academic. I wanted to carry on learning while helping with the teaching process. I liked teaching, enjoyed the power it gave me. You stand up there, in front of people, you tell them what you know, they interject with their questions and together you helped to build a new theory, a new understanding.However nowadays students are more interested in what they need to know for the exams than in expanding their minds.I suppose that was part of why I wanted to do this as well. I wanted to see if I could help turn back the tide.Stop student from being fixated on the exams.

However, being a tuition teacher holds as much responsibility same like school teachers. One thing I fear about being a tuition teacher is that parents expect too much from us. They have this thought that a tuition teacher will help improved their childs grade. Yes, we can help to improve their childs grade but like some people say, " I can't do it alone, I need you to work with me". Parents must know that we as teachers did our duty but at times, we need their child to work with us to achieve that desired grade. At the end of the day, it is their child who gain from it.

Since I just started being a tuition teacher 2 months ago, there is a lot more I need to learn. Not only was I being a teacher, I became a motivator. I helped to make their study plan. Hoping that they gain from it.

Still with such a pack schedule and as much as I want to devote myself to being a teacher, I am still a student who is eager to learn new things. I want to continue my study and strive as far as I can before fulfilling my ambition.

Lets just say, I am happy to be working at the market and being a tuition teacher. Thats the least I could do to start earning back the money I have spent. Yes, Market okay. Love helping ibu and being loved by all the uncle. Especially my uncle fat-fat who loves buying me ice- cream, strawberries, cherries and blueberries and more. Though working at a market may have sounded a little bit awkward since I am young but no, I am having fun acting like a little boss. For once, I have the authority to control old people.hehehe.

I have been helping at my aunt stall for more than 5 years now. It is not easy of course. People who work at the market has no off days. Imagine how tiring it is? Other than that we must have patience with the customer. Some customers are just so rude and all you feel like was to smack their face.

My aunt sells coconut and is the only coconut seller in the market. Obviously there are days that the sales is good, all coconut was sold and there are days whereby there is certainly lesser people who patronize the market. Some of the customer thinks that we are lying to them when we say there isn't any coconut left. They will stand there and wait and look. Come on man, who wouldn't want a good sale, when we say, there are no more coconut, we mean it. Why would we lie and keep it? How else, can we explain to this stubborn customer?

You must have seen some of my facebook updates about the makcik-makcik who loves to pry on me. They will start asking questions like: Am I married, engaged and etc? Why they don't want to ask if I have children or not eh? Irritating man. Some even assumed the wrong things. For example, since I am having my school holidays, I helped my aunt in the market more often. Some uncle, who don't watch their mouth would ask me, how come you never go to school? Hello uncle, if you don't know when is the school holiday, don't assumed that I never study and have no education. What? Market is a place for not educated people is it? If everyone has to chase for an education, 10 years down the road, there won't be anymore wet market, all that is left is supermarket. No more bargain, no more giving extra, No more " I want a little bit only", you get your items at a fix price and fix amount. Youngsters nowadays must start learning to step inside the wet market and stop giving excuses such as it is smelly. I thanked my aunt for giving me this chance of working in the market. At least, when I go to the market, I know how to differentiate the different vegetables, fish, spices and everything. I don't have to feel ashamed and shyly smile at the stallholder and ask " Aunty which one is Spinach? What is lemongrass? Where is galangal?"

Well, I have no right if people wants to degrade me knowing that I work in the market. All I care is that I am earning a living and that I am doing well for myself. I don't need peoples' comment to pull me down. I am happy with everything I am now.

It is not enough that you are accept me for who I am. You should also accept me for what I am not.

2011-03-22T06:07:00.003+08:00

Alhamdulillah, My results looks great, all the effort I put while trying to mend a broken heart was worth it. I know Allah, has my best interest, he knows what is best for me. He may have taken something away from me but he gave me something for a life time. If I could do this, I think, I should start aiming higher. For now, let me cry away my tears of happiness.

and again, Thanks Allah.

2011-03-13T23:06:00.003+08:00

Truth about a girl which you might want to know.

This does not apply to all girls but to some of them, it does. Saw this and thought that maybe I could just share it with you people.

Do you know that when a guy breaks a girl's heart, its much, much, much more than it affected her? That her tears are not only to show how much it hurt but to at least try to blur out the world, so she can forget? That she thinks every sleeping and waking moment, what the hell did she did wrong? That when she looks at the photo of you with her, she tries to tear it but she can't because they are beautiful memories to keep? That she can't throw away the gifts you gave her because you gave it to her? That whenever she thinks of the word "I Love You" you told her, she mutters "I Love You, too" but realises that she can't say it anymore. That its like the whole world tumbling before her eyes? No, you don't know what it feels like. You don't know how it feels to be cheated, to be left, to be fooled. And it's taken very seriously because, once a girl loves, a girl really loves.

2011-03-11T13:43:00.002+08:00

Remember, how clean my house was back then on hari raya? Do you remember when I say, it is going back to it's normal state once hari raya ended?

Would you like to see, the state it is in right now? Would you love to know how many trash bag I have used to throw the junks away? Would you?

Would you want to have a visit not only to my provision shop but to a house that resembles a warehouse? I will be blogging about it as soon as I am done cleaning my so called lovely home.

Meanwhile, I just started my holiday. Ok, I am lying. My holiday started nicely on the 1st March and many people had the time of the life because they were able to catch up with me. I am not easily available for everyone because I am busy cleaning my house and working. Don't ask why I am cleaning my house. My house is only clean every 6 months. During my term break. My Mum rely on me to take care of the house like as if I am the housekeeper. Alhamdulillah, congratulation messages has been coming in from people who knew what was my recent success. The moment I passed, the only thing that came in my mind was "At last, i get to stop the ordeal". Now, I need to earn back all the $2,000 spend. Hopefully, with what I have now, I get to make life easier for everyone and at the same time I get to fulfil a wish I made to Allah.

Being a kiasu Singaporean and not being able to celebrate Hari Raya for the past 2 years. I went to check out my academic calender to see if it clashes with Hari Raya. Guess what? It does, but thankfully, Hari Raya falls on a tuesday and my exam just has to end on the same week as Hari Raya. What is even worst? Imagine having an exam just right after Hari Raya and it's a morning paper, well let's just hope, it won't happen to me. It would be even nicer, if my last paper falls on Hari Raya eve. Sorry if I had to say this in advanced, but planning to me is very important. All i know, first day of hari raya will be celebrated at home again unless, the exam days would love to be nicer to me.

For now, just wait for my blog entry on my lovely home.

2011-02-24T16:19:00.004+08:00

Kiranya diriku, kau tak perlu lagi

Simpanlah, kenangan cinta kita di hati

Walaupun sukar untuk aku akur kali ini,

Biarkanlah ku pergi..

Maafkan ku.

Good if you read my blog every now and then because at times, i just update unknowingly.

I am done with 3 papers and last one on Monday. As excited as I should be, I feel even more stress than before. Who says poly will be easy, it is tough. As hardworking as I am, I wish to say poly exams can just take your life away. Maybe thats what growing up meant. Less time to play, more serious stuff to look ahead.

Moving on in life. My life is not like, how I show it on my face. There are more in my life that many don't know. It is something that will haunt me for the rest of my life but like what someone said

"Worry, doesn't help tomorrow's troubles, but it sure does ruin today's happiness"

That is the reason why I smile a lot when i am in the company of my friends. We don't have to meet to see those smiles on my face because just by having your presence is already enough to cover up those heartaches.

No matter who broke my heart or how long it takes to heal, I'll never get through this without my friends. So, Thank You hor!

Ok enough of sad moments. While searching for my past notes, i came across my diaries. I love to write. Unfortunately, my English is not good enough or else, you might just see me appearing on straits times. I stumble upon, something familiar. It was a poem I wrote, titled

"My 21st Birthday Wish!"

The poem was written because I was learning to put what I learn into good use. I learn poetry writing in sec 2, whereby, we had to write a poem on 'Ashoka'. How on earth, a 14 year old girl can write a poetry on Ashoka,someone legendary?

Instead, of writing a legendary boring poem, I wrote this 21st Birthday wish poem and when I read it again, I laughed. It just shows how much I fantasize at that age but if you were to ask me to write such poem now. I will say " Not in my right state of mind will I write such poems again"

So here goes the poem.. Don't laugh okay?

My 21st Birthday is coming,

I expected a special gift,

Not anyone else except him.

He is a superstar,

He is a superman,

He is the one who caught my hand.

When I look into his picture,

He is staring,

Not to me but to the camera.

Days, months and years, I waited for him.

But this is the only year I wish I could be with him.

If he is with someone,

I can't do anything except crying.

My 21st Birthday is nothing

but just a dream.

My life meant nothing to me except for him,

He is something to me,

He is like a special gold I have been searching through years of waiting.

Cheybah!

Not bad right?hehehe.

I don't know what cross my mind, when I wrote this. Maybe I had a crush with some guys back in secondary school. Can someone please, fulfil my 21st wish?

The truth is, anyone could have just fulfilled this wish anytime from now but the most important thing is whether we are right for each other. Eversince, I went to learn about love and relationship. I grew up knowing that half the guys, I have dated are my crush. No wonder, we don't last.

My smile was what caught their eyes but not their heart. True?

I am just afraid to go for anymore dates and be part of a relationship.

Just so you know, the next time a guy spout 'I love you' to me, i make sure, I ask them am I your crush or someone you love?

Remember, when you say 'I love you' to someone, you are making a promise to someones' heart. I've also learnt to never place happiness in someone else's hands because once they're gone, so will my happiness.

I am perfectly happy without a partner because I finally realised a partner is but a bonus.

I love my mobility, I love having my carefully arranged days, getting my work on time and rewarding myself now and then with a good book.

As the song goes, " I don't need a man to make me feel good, I get off being free."

Afterall comfort is not the answer to a woman's woe.

21 for me would be 2 years and 5 months from now. Who knows what will happen along the way?

Would my 21st dream come true?

Would I meet the perfect guy?

Am I still studying or have I started working?

Whatever it is, for now, I want to enjoy being a student free from responsibility.

If we are fated for each other, it will.

Trust me.

Love this boy!

2011-02-16T20:24:00.003+08:00

I ought to smile now and so should all of you.

Yes, I have finally move on and forget all those sad episodes in my life because sadness and unhappiness won't bring me anywhere in life. I am not exactly healed by those heart broken moments but I am looking forward to a better future now.

Did I tell you that lately a lot of people would love to date me?

Some itchy girls would feel euphoric about this but not for someone like me.

Though the guys meant well, they just want to know me better but deep inside I know most wish that I would be theirs one day. Let me make this clear.

By now, everyone would say I am a flirtatious girl, bitch and everything. But hey, look at me, I don't even go out with any of this guys not even my own bestfriends.

I know my limit as a girl and I know where to draw the line. Yes, indeed having many admirers sounds fun but too me, it is not. The only reason why I rejected was because I care for all the guys feelings. What if I go out with this guy this day,take photo, make everyone see how we enjoy each other company. Then the following week, i go out with another guy and another date and so on.

That is what you call a flirtatious girl. What would the guys feel right?

See, my point, if you want to go out with me, make it be in a group, at least I ain't rejecting anyone and know that I am not making anyone hurt at the same time.

To think that you would love to date me, not any moment from now. I've completely closed the doors to my heart for now. I will open when i am ready. I am not like any other girl who go and search for love. Love come to me all by itself but for now, i can only reject. I feel bad for rejecting because this guys are really nice guys but the fact that my last love taught me enough about love. Now, I am too Enough said!afraid to open my heart to anyone. Yes, i feel lonely and i do feel a tinge of jealousy when I see couples but memories has taught me to be stronger than I was before.

So, where shall I begin? I am supposed to make this short and quick actually.

I have started my 2 month long holiday and my mind is set to clean my house. As tiring as it may seem, i need my room back and I need my house to have some order. I am growing up and maturing. Is the start of a new stage in life whereby I need to look attractive and appealing to society. I have been trying to step out of my comfort zone. Be more outspoken and friendly because in about 2 to 3 years time, I will be working. Call this stage as the preparation stage.

I owe this blog a post and obviously you would love to read funny post. Hopefully my plans to clean up my room does work because if it does as usual, you would get yourself a lovely post of what I did to my room. Remember the hari raya post about cleaning up, how about a part two to it?

I wish to actually update on my Chinese New Year visiting but that post have to be put to a halt as I am busy preparing myself for my end of year exams and I will be a senior in SP. Fast right? when I count back. I realised that in poly it takes only 6 months to end your first year, thanks to the long holiday. Seriously, we are laidback and I hate it.

I will end my post here. I am looking forward to meet el-nash before he flies off and also comical partner with his new girlfriend. hehe. Still remember, when he asked, how do you know if a girl likes you? Great that he found the love of his life and I wish them the best in their love life. For once, I saw the true happiness. Bliss.

p.s: Guys, I hoped my words mean no harm to you or your feelings. I meant well. Rejecting now doesn't mean I won't accept you later. It allow me to know you better and if you could, please move on. I can't bear to see people wait for me. I still care for my past and my heart needs time to heal. I will let go but only time will tell when. For now, I would thank you if you accept me as your friend.

2011-02-02T13:02:00.002+08:00

When you say 'I love you', you are making a promise with someone else's heart. Try to honour it.

It's the month of February. Fast isn't it? All i know at the end of this 28 days, I am having yet another holiday which is 6 weeks long which I still have not decide on what to do.

Fear not, I am a girl whose schedule is always half pack, you can never see me sit down at home quietly.

So, how shall I start my February post?

Like how the sky has been gloomy for thepast few days, so was my feeling.

Just when I start to move on, another trivial matter happens in my life. It was so bad that I don't know who I can depend on. I wish I could hug all my guys friend.

The guys have been really good to me. No matter who you are, you have been really nice. I'm sorry that I was not myself but truthfully this loneliness is killing me.

I have no one to confide too anymore. I shall just let this sorrow sink deep in me.

I want to see that rainbow back in me. Just so you know, i don't deserve to get hurt. I don't deserve to be in a spot that I am right now. You are just so selfish to put me in this position, I deserve happiness just like how you are enjoying yourself out there.

I felt stupid to still carry on this grief but who can put this sadness away from me.

My heart shattered the moment you left and the moment you lied to me. I wasn't a fool.

I knew where I was going and getting. I am the last person you should fool, my vigilance will prove everything you have been hiding. I just wish, you open your heart and think of how other people feel before you lie to them or leave them. You don't know that all this could cause death.

This trouble has caused me a major headache, for 5 days straight, I have been thinking so much that my headache just refused to go away.

I am praying hard that after this, life goes as smoothly and it flows back to where I belong.

Happiness was what I live to be not Sadness.

School = boring, but China boyfriend as usual very sweet can?

I am glad that he was able to open up his stories to me just so, he was able to console me. I shared a lot with him and it just seems that for now, since I don't have anyone else to talk too, he was the best choice.

The only think, i can't accept was that he kept asking me to change religion because when i told him about my religion muslim, that muslims must fast and pray five times a day, he said you should change to my religion because it does not expect much..

Boleh eh, nie anak?

I can no longer eat at Foodcourt 6 already. Basically, foodcourt 6 is the nearest foodcourt for me and there is only 3 Muslim stalls.

There is 1 stall which I don't know if I ever want to eat over there again. I don't know what's up with all the aunty in this foodcourt.

Last Monday, I went to this stall to get myself some hotdog bread, it cost me $1.

I gave the aunty $2.

Aunty: Do you have a dollar?

Me: No, I don't have.

Aunty: Wah, you are very rich right? $1 also don't have.

Anyway the conversation was in Malay. She said that in a very sarcastic way. If you were me, what would you do?

If only I had the bravery, I would have told her off. Too bad, I ain't that impertinent girl.

I didn't give her $50 for her to give me such remarks. I don't know what I did to her, but she just seems to be picking on me and for a start, i can only say, she charge the food, up to her happiness.

Just imagine, when you buy the same food, many times, you would have known how much the charges are right? One day, I bought the same food at $2, some day the same food cost me $2.50. Not trustworthy right?

People if you have $1 in your wallet or pocket means you are poor and if you don't have means you are rich, that is her interpretation. I find that she doesn't make sense, if I already don't have $1, what was I supposed to do. Beg people for $1, just so that I can have my brunch.

Dearest aunty, don't make me purposely, go to your stall and buy up till $10 and pay you , in 5cents coin, So you can see how poor I am.

People just don't think before they speak. Such remarks could be avoided. I just wish I could teach people courteosy in this world. Vulgarities and Profanities, these are things which people should avoid. It's like a disease, you will continue to say it as you grow up and believe me, it is difficult to stop that habit. Would you raise a family, with a child who follow your footsteps by saying all this vulgarities? I can predict in years to come, a family can talk to each other with vulgarities shooting out of their mouth like nothing is wrong. Parents can't correct their child because when they were young, they too adopt such habits.

I want to end my post by wishing all who are about to sit for your exams, all the best.

I don't want to play the broken-hearted girl,no-more.

2011-01-19T20:10:00.002+08:00

As many have known or maybe some, my team of S.M.A.R.T people was involved in this years' open house and JAE. It was an experienced for me because speaking to parents and students to convince them to come to Singapore Polytechnic Business school has been a challenged and especially when you have low self esteem like me and the fact that your face doesn't look convincing for them to come.

If you hadn't been able to locate me during the Open House, it maybe because I was involved on the 5th and not during the actual Open House but if you were to come for JAE, i was there doing nothing but rot because why? Parents are mostly interested to talk to lecturers then asked student helper about the course, so we were there entertaining lecturers and ourselves lor..

What was my experienced like?

I had to salute some parents. Now i know how kiasu some of my family members are when it comes to their children studies. There was a couple of parents that did their homework. There was this lady who came for 2 straight days during the JAE period just to enquire about Banking and Finance, after one lecturer she went to another lecturer. Just imagine, how important she plays a part in her child life by ensuring that placing SP Banking and Finance as her first choice was the right thing to do.

I was appalled to see her but I seriously salute her for all the effort she put to ensure her child has the best future ahead of her.

Then there was another parent, who came with all his 12 choices in SP and 7 questions for lecturers to answer in a hard copy. He requested to know more about each of the choices he had made. I was flabbergasted. OHMY!! In my mind, i was thinking, why didn't he just print 12 copies of his 7 question and give it to each choice he made. Obviously that was a cynical thought of mine.

Look people, would you even to this if you ever had a child? Would you go through this extra mile?

Would you?

That was the story for the parents, now comes the students.

The most challenging for us was to convince people to come to SP.

Comparison of school was made either SP business school with TP. Or maybe

SP business school with NP.

Those who compare SP and TP are people who lives in the east such as Pasir Ris and some from Seng Kang, Punggol. It was tough because they look for convenience, i can't help it but most who came to SP was looking for convenience too. Even I made that choice, i came to SP because of Dover MRT. I don't mind if it is far as long as it is convenient for me. We struggle to cajol them to make SP as their choice. We even let them meet with people who live as far as Seng Kang to meet them and tell them why they choose SP and not TP.

I kept telling myself, how i wish with each person we were able to convince them to come to SP, we were given a commission. It wasn't easy okay. We were so called practising our marketing skills and putting it to good use.

NP being our closest rival, we had nothing much to say but to promote our fastfood haven and MRT station lor.

but one thing we hide from everyone is that

SP students are competitive students, your classmates are there to keep challenging you to make sure that you give your best. The reason is because,

you may get an 85 for your test, you feel delighted because that is an A but wait till you see your classmates scoring as high as 95 to 100..

Tell me, how should you feel? This is exactly how I felt each time exams results were shown.

Whatever it is SP has nail it, the principal was happy with the JAE performance, on chinese new year eve he declares a school holiday. Yes, I is a very the Happy Girl, Can?

Tears kept falling every now and then just not too often anymore. I am taking one step at a time. It isn't easy but life goes on for me, i hate to be stuck at the same position and not move on. I am just waiting for the right time to let go of everything. I still hate the fact that you left me without a word.

Thanks a lot for that.

Everytime I think about you, I have to remind myself that if you wanted to talk to me, you would.

Define complicated: It's when you don't know where you stand in a person's life.

I don't know where I was until you left me.

At least the complication has justify your feelings towards me all this while.

I should have known and follow my gut feelings.

2011-01-19T19:26:00.001+08:00

JAE has been truly splendid for me.

2010-12-31T15:48:00.005+08:00

Never be sad for what is over, just be glad that it was once yours.

I know, how much I owe this blog a long post.. Maybe, some of you must have been checking out my page every other day to see, if I have updated. I did update but not that often anymore.

How has life been for me? Let's put a halt to that question as i recall back what I achieved in 2010 first.

2010 started well for me, who might have guess, my toughest conquest and battle for 'O' level brought me to be one of the top student in Yuan Ching. I wasn't exactly proud of my result but I was happy that my 5 years in Yuan Ching wasn't a waste. It was a blessing for me and the toughest 5 years as I was trying to prove that despite going into Normal Academic stream it does not deter me from achieving good results. Cheers to all NA students.

Singapore Polytechnic, not exactly the place I envision myself to be. As many have known JC was still a choice school for me. To be part of SP, has been a challenge because not many people I know are in SP. I have therefore no choice, but make friends. Thats the process in life, you move on and make new friends. DAC 01 that's the class i will stay through for the next 3 years.. Funny isn't it, I always find myself stuck inside the 1st class. I remember when I started my primary school, i was in 1E1 and then i go secondary school I was in 1N1 and here I am today in DAC01.

I'm thankful my choice of going to Singapore Polytechnic was the right choice. I just love the simplicity of going to school without much hassle[minus the squeezing in the mrt] because if I were to choose Ngee Ann, i think my experience to school would be much worst. Why I say that, each morning everytime the train stops at Clementi, I can see the rush hour whereby everybody is trying to squeeze in a bus. I think, by then I can give up on going to school..

Not forgetting, the change i did, which was to put on a hijab.

Slowly 2010 changes my life, the smile I always put on started to wear off. I went through a series of heartaches. I did not celebrate Hari Raya Aidilfitri. I just wasn't me and if you think you are the only one who realise it, i did realise too.. How much I change and obviously I hated it? No one, could ever understand what I went through.

Come back to what happened in my three weeks holiday? I get to meet up with the girls.Yes, how often do we get to meet each other. See, even shikin wasn't in the photo because she was preparing for her trip to cambodia and with Hidayah's working and the two bff's busy with dance and with me who is forever busy. Whenever we get a chance that was the only time we could meet up and here was the start of where my health starts to deteriorate..

This photo here is taken with me lying on the grass. Seriously, only at that moment, i visualise myself to be somehow a professional photographer[not].

Recently, I just missed Kenneth's birthday because I was told not to go anywhere as long as I am not recovered yet because I would spread the germs to people around me.
I wanted to be there badly because I miss my boys, i knew I will be able to meet Wen Yong, Benjamin and Yu qing but sadly my health wasn't any better but I was featured in his birthday scrap book and I feel so special because just for my birthday wish for this boy, mine was a page of my own while the rest of them had to share. Ok lame, but seriously every word that I wish came from my heart and I believe everyone too, felt the same way.
Kenneth sin you are irreplacable.

Well, the hardest one for me at the end of 2010 was to learn to accept the fact that if someone doesn't love you is better to move on. Yes, I cried almost everyday after I had a bad__________. Mum and Ibu notice my swollen eyes, but I am a strong girl who keeps her stuff in line. Even when I have tears going down my face, I always manage to say those two words- I'm fine. I won't elaborate what happen but I'll learn to accept that I was not needed in someone else's life. I wasn't important.

I've been in love so many times, thought I knew the score but now you have treated me so wrong and I can't take it anymore and it looks like I am never going to fall in love again.

You were there to light my day, you were there to guide me through, from my days down and on, i will never stop thinking of you. How can I forget all that? When you're the one who make me smile, you will always be apart of me, how I wish you were still mine. Never will forget the day, how we've met and came this far, we all know we have got this feeling but somehow it has to end up here. I know it's me who said goodbye and that's the hardest thing to do, cause you mean so much to me and guide the truth from me to you. For all the things I've done and said, for all the hurt that I've caused you, I hope you will forgive me baby cause that wasn't what I meant to do.

Right after exams, If you have known I had a super pack schedule which was even worst then a businessman. As you know, I made it through to be part of the S.M.A.R.T committee and it feels great to be part of SMART. SMART isn't exactly a recognise CCA in SP or in SP business school but if you are part of it, you will feel how fun it is to be able to interact with secondary school students.

On the 13th december, we had SMORTOPEDIA, it was a one camp with fun games to look forward too and the food, oh my god, so nice and it's halal because there was me. hehe. I was part of the committee and yes, i did not had to play any disgusting game, we had games like the chicken captain ball. I suppossed none of you ever heard of it. I was enthralled when i heard of the game. Basically, it was a captain's ball but instead of playing with a ball you are playing with one whole chicken. Just imagine chicken flying up in the sky. I wasn trying to look for a picture of it but couldn't find any. We had 'The War" game which was super fun and I almost got myself wet, thanks to the game masters. The game masters were great. We got sticky's for ourselves which Kim and I won't buy even if we were outside because of the exorbitant price.

Not forgetting our SMART clothes, which was design by Kim Hong.

Are you SMART enough?

Don't you wish, you were wearing one of it and leave everyone thinking, what were we trying to promote.

We had farewell for the seniors and we ended the day with " Don't forget the lyrics" game. Imagine everyone in the lecture hall Singing together.

Then again, that wasn't all. My family had a wedding affair before my camp and for two days straight I had 4 hours of sleep because we were busy cooking.

As usual my dad cooks his best Briyani for a wedding and the response was good.

Now, do you see why I was sick. Just imagine how tideous it was for me to just end exam, then get busy with the wedding affair and straight after that i had smart camp, the next day I had driving and my final theory test and the following day I had to meet the girls and it continue on till today, the last day of the year. I haven't had my rest. I have been working non- stop. So, if you think I was lying about being busy, now here is the prove. I never lied.

I was busy fulfilling my duties plus with the heartache, I went through each day with perseverance hoping that I would get through the day.

Life wasn't easy for me on my last few days of 2010. I wish it was, i hate crying each day but I know life have to move on me.

To you my dear, I wish you the best in everything you do. I hold no grudges, I just wish that you had ended it nicely but I'm not going to be angry. I will learn to move on. Thanks for everything.

2011, I hope to bring back what I left half through 2010. I wish to find my smile back and not fall in love again. I wish everybody a Happy New Year.

Hopefully, 2011 will bring us many happy returns.

<3 Bie

You - Nur Jannah Alia

2010-12-23T19:03:00.000+08:00

It's for you and it just describe how I feel right at this moment

2010-12-20T19:23:00.004+08:00

The only reason I haven't told you that I love you is because I don't think I am good enough for you.

Nothing hurts more than realizing that you meant everything to me and i meant nothing to you.

If It is meant to end then it is meant to end.
I've let fate bestowed what is best for me. I've gone through as much as I could and give my best in everything I did. Even if it means going through the pain for countless of time.
I hate hurting others. Thus, each time I hurt someone is best that I leave them.
My presence will only bring more grievance.

How I wish falling in love has traffic lights too so that I would know if I should go, slow down or just stop to avoid heart accident.

Not to spoil the ending for everyone but everything is going to be okay.

2010-12-09T18:54:00.002+08:00

Welcome back, Rabi'atul Adawiyah!!
I know, I have been busy and abandoning this blog. I wish to update every moment if possible but behind that possibility there is something more important thus this blog was left out of my negligence.

Everyone must have been curious, what is going on with my life? How was I?

and the most frequent question would be,

" Why can't I view your facebook?"

I thought that I need some space, nothing much actually. I felt so stupid making people continuosly fool me be it directly and indirectly.

Like I said, I am not smart but I think my sense of reading people is better.

You can try to hide things with me but sooner or later, i will find out.

I am already exceptionally known to be a "stalker"..

I can read your twitter even if it is private and I am not added.

I have my ways my dear people. How far you try to hide, I am not far behind.
School has been,....I shall not say. Exams are finally over but studies for me is still not.

I think I'm still finding a way back to who I was before. Nobody understands how I feel, I'm tired of people telling me to share with them, the truth is it doesn't help.

Each day I sleep with tears in my eyes. Life has been too difficult for me to handle, but I am still keen on moving on despite all those lies, I have to swallow.

hehe, Okay.. The photo above is Muhammad Nursalman Fitri.
I purposely chose the most unglam photo. He is the special guest in my blog this time round because this guy here, eversince Hari Raya became so related to me.
Until the point that my grandaunt knows him and my uncles Mum knows his Mum.
You know when people say, Singapore is small.
Indeed it is.
Obviously, he was jumping for joy because everyone will always ask him or his mum like,
" Awak berkenan ke?" and blahblahblah.......
Ok enough, can we don't be related?
Can we?
Can we?

Recently, Miss Irene Lee had a surprise for Mr Gomez, look I was featured with my photo but Shikin your face was cut away. I clearly remember our heads were close to each other.
Shikin is going away to Cambodia. My friends in poly, some are going to South Africa, some are going to Korea and my dearest China bf, is going to 'Thailand' not to 'Toilet'. That was an inside joke between the few of us. He was being so sweet because each time he sees me seating alone, he will come and sit next to him. You know what is best having a friend as smart as him, you can ask any doubts and without referring to the notes, he can answer your question.

My GEMS class is getting interesting, we are going towards relationships and I have two great friends that I made, like usual, I don't know why but maybe my fate only lies in guys. Most of the friends I meet are guys. Just don't ask me why, if that is what it is, then I shall accept.
I wish to share what I've learnt if I find the slides which are interesting.

For now, I want to take a break. I am not feeling well and I have a huge project coming up next week. I am speaking about not sleeping for 3 days, how about that?
Stay tune, more to come.

2010-11-28T22:25:00.001+08:00

Dedicated for my girls...

When boredom strikes, this picture reminds me of you girls

2010-11-05T17:12:00.004+08:00

Why I rather have a best guy friend?

No drama

They wouldn't spread my secrets

They consider me as a sister

They protect me

They introduce me to their friends

They are good listeners

They give good advice

"Just cause a girl hangs out with guys more than other girls doesn't necessarily mean she's a slut. Just means shes got more bros than hoes"

Just when I thought second semester will be much more lenient with me, It is not.

Why?

Because my itchy fingers choose to sign up to become facilitator. Part of the reason why I signed up is because I want to make more friends and trying my best to fit in. It has been a tough journey so far. As you know, I'm the only malay in the class. Half the time, I felt left out though I'm thankful to have the companion of Amanda, Kim Hong and Petrina, not forgetting the rest of my classmates. Still, nothing change. I am still that lonely girl. If previously people said I was arrogant, I believed now I'm not. I smile most of the time. However, I can't deny one thing, half part of me is slowly giving up of trying to fit in. Maybe it's my nature and my personality to be a recluse person.

When I attended my recent GEMS class, the lecturer ask to share, what is one thing you hate about yourself, I wish I could answer," when I feel sad".

I try to become friendly, I smile, I listened well to my parents, but yet nothing change. None of my action pleases anybody. The only reason why I still love cartoons and why I still act like a young child despite my age was because I wish my life could be better. I'm like a rubbish. When they need me they come and look for me, but when I am no longer needed, everyone just leaves me. Watching cartoon makes me smile, it just reminisce through my younger days. Days that young people enjoy, days that are trouble free unlike now where I have to endure the torment, thinking what else can I do?Never judge me by my smile. I may seem alright but truth is I'm not.

Recently, my taste bud change. I used to be a girl who loves eating hot&spicy food. Whatever food that is not spicy is considered not appetizing to me. I just found out lately, when my friends could take in spicy food and even said it is not that spicy, I just can't do it anymore. Even my cousins iqah and adam who used to eat ketchup instead of chilli, are doing better than me with the spicy-ness. Why oh Why? Since when I can't take spicy food. I miss being the girl who could take in anything.

Many were appalled when they see me carrying a toothbrush wherever I go. You mean, i'm the only one practising personal hygiene? I can't deny the fact that I bring my toothbrush and toothpaste anywhere I go because I made it a routine and also to practice personal hygiene. I don't feel embarrassed brushing my teeth in the public or people seeing me carry a toothpaste and toothbrush in my bag but I would feel the embarrassment if I smile one whole day at merely everyone without realising I have a chilli stain stuck on my tooth, chocolate in between my teeths or even worse after having a meal of seafood blackpepper pasta from swensen and all the black pepper surrounds my teeth. Often, friends or family members don't tell you if they see that because they are afraid you would feel the embarrassment. Take me for instance, I don't tell my friends or family member if I see that.[hehe.sorry] Thus, to conclude I hope I have made myself clear to why I bring toothbrush and toothpaste anywhere I go.

I think I need to speak on behalf of my parents because you people are too much. As a daughter, I don't even dare to ask my mum or dad to lend me some money though they could be giving me willingly. When I'm short of money, I avoid going out or even when I am out, I avoid spending money. At times, I would even starve in school just so that I could save my money. Yet, you people are making my parents look like some bank loan place whereby you can loan as much as you want without having interest charge on you. The best thing is after taking the money, you don't even try to make the best effort to pay it back. Shame on you. You could upgrade your phone to Iphone 4, yet you can't even pay back the amount you owe. This has got to stop. I've become stern with my parents. I do it not because I'm selfish but you people are not trustworthy enough. The money you owe can be donated to charity homes that need the money more than you do. We helped you because you are desperate, but is this how you treat us back? Keep telling us that " You promise, you will pay us back, once your pay is out next week". Hey guess what, that promise is as good as a rubbish. My mum and I may share similar traits of not chasing the person, if they owe. I believe they know yet they pretend. However, I wish to reiterate this idiom to you

"Once bitten, twice shy".

You can choose to pretend that you don't owe us, but if next time, another mishap happens, we learn from our previous lesson, since you have not paid for the previous debt, neither would we loan you anymore money in future.
My parents work day and night, even on weekends, just to earn more money.Yet, you people lend money from them thinking that my family is rich enough. Have you seen my mum or dad flaunt their money on expensive stuff. Take my mum as an example, she refused to buy a new pair of shoes, everytime her shoes are worn off, she would ask me to bring it to the cobbler to be glued back.

Even when her bag strips are already worn off, she continues wearing it because the bag is still in good condition. Just look at how they live, wearing torn and tattered clothings, when they could afford anything and everything. You people are taking advantage of them. They can be kind and humble but they are not your money lending machine.

We don't mind if you take your time to pay and fulfil your words but don't pretend when you see us. Some even refused to pick up calls. Some even, the sight of seeing us, make them run and hide until we are gone home.

Start saving that would be my advice. Especially now with prices of food rising, if you don't save, i can't imagine how you live. How I know about the rise in food? I know because I'm working in the market. Each time a price increase, I'm afraid to sell to people . Afraid that they could not afford it. To those, who complaint why the price increase so much, we as the shopkeeper don't reap that much profit from selling vegetables because we know food is a necessity to everyone. We had to at least mark-up each item by 50 cents just to cover the rent. At times, we can't even meet our target. If it is hard on you, please don't be egocentric, it is even harder for us.

2010-11-04T13:47:00.000+08:00

2010-10-29T21:39:00.003+08:00

Sometimes when I say "I'm Okay", I want someone to look me in the eye, hug me tight and say, "I know you are not".

Well,some might be laughing, some might be enjoying while here I am trying my best to put a smile on my face. Each day has been a constant pain. I used to smile so easily but now it proves as a challenge. I slowly start to lose each and every part of my beautiful soul. A soul that once upon a time has brought something to your life, that gave you those charms, that caught your eye and left an indelible imprint in it and most importantly that caught you heart.

Those are the features that are starting to fade.

Life for me is no longer about smiling but feeling the sorrows.

On a random note, lets talk about school.

What do I have to say about school? Frankly speaking everything.

Let's start with the teachers.

Apart from my two long term modules lecturer and my PACC tutor, I've got a full set of new lecturers this semester.

One thing for sure, this semester, I mean all the teachers that are teaching my class, are old.

Old means grumpy. Not all though. But let's just give a brief description of them, you can start drawing or thinking, what they are like.

1st:Stats Tutor

I get a very nice stats tutor who is old but as long as he can get along with teenagers like us, I am fine with it. He is a caring teacher, who smiles a lot. He doesn't mine admitting that he is short in front of us.

2nd:Stats Lecturer

I supposed he is a new lecturer in school. To get in touch with him, you have to travel all the way to T4. I love how patient he can teach and how clear everything is, I even feel like recording his lecturing session. One thing for sure, he is the teacher with full of examples.

Each lecture, you will never miss his :" For Example,"*100.. That is a bit exaggerating but I am not kidding, with the fact that he keep repeating that. It is like etched to my mind, each time I see him, It reminds me of " For Example....."

Whatever it is, way to go, Dr Jaya.

3rd MOB Lecturer

How can I describe this teacher? I think among all, she is the best.

I believed most of you wouldn't have such lecturers. This lecturer of mine, will enter the lecture hall each week and will start the lecture by greeting us,

" How are all of you children?" She is so sweet and kind but one thing, everyone in DAC would agree with me is the fact that she suits to teach kindergarten student or primary one or two. The way she interact with us, makes us feel so young. I'm thankful to have her because at least she brought a beautiful side for us to learn MOB or else we can suffer under the hand of my MOB tutor.

4th MOB Tutor

First and furmost, Amanda and I, made a good team at predicting teachers through photos.

Before semester even begin, both of us were back in school for some events, we took a look at photos of our new teachers. When we look at her, my first impression of her, " She is going to be very fierce.". I was vindicated,she is a very fierce teacher which no one can mess with. Everyone had a good impression of her, until recently, when she started to slowly unveil her true colours.

So much for telling me, MOB would be interesting. Now, it's not.

5th Econs Tutor

We had a change of tutor, I miss my previous tutor, she was nice. Not that, this teacher wasn't but the previous teacher was better in a way that she was much more lenient and helpful. Under her care, the entire class pass econs, not even a failure. Thanks so much teacher.

6th ONOW.

ONOW, I think OHNO!!! This teacher is a male teacher that needs me to stand right beside him for me to hear what he is trying to say. Apart from not understanding what he is trying to say, his articulation and diction or maybe accent is tough to understand. Everyone look dumbfounded once he speaks.Whatever it is, the fact that he loves to smile at me, can make it for all the above.

hehehe.

Till here, will share more on my GEMS next time..

Think about Love relations for life!!!

2010-10-10T11:42:00.002+08:00

Education purpose is to replace an empty mind with an open one.

School is starting in a week and this might be my last entry before school start.

I will be going to and fro from school from next week onwards.

My classmates and I are not happy with the timetable because this is the start of a nonsense timetable. Why do I say so ? Every school day ends at 5pm except for wednesday. Tell me who would like such timetable? The days in school can be cut short but there are too many breaks in between. Just imagine. On Monday, after 1 lecture, we have 2 hours break afterwhich go for another class then another hour break afterwhich 2 more lectures.

Can you see, how much time is wasted there?

I know you will say, you can use the time for projects.. Yes, that can be done but however we would be tired by the end of the day..

Can we be shown some mercy?

I am looking forward to the new semester because it is going to be a new start for me, after 6 months of trying to blend in to college life, i think i just did it.

Hopefully, a new semester brings more properous days ahead. Insya-Allah

Recently, I just read up this book titled " Real Love in Marriage"

For your information, I stumbled upon this book while waiting for Mr Tay and Mr Tan at the library as they take their own sweet time, so while waiting for them, I just grabbed any book which was close to me and read it. It was a good book. I know at the age of 18 which I am in right now, I'm not ready to read such book but I think, I didn't make a wrong choice either. The book teaches me so many valuable things which I can impart when I get married one day.

One thing that attracts me in this book is this page on

"What Real Love is?" and also what I find most of us are going through which is Imitation Love which is about getting and protecting behaviours.

You may be denying it, as you read the book but the truth will slowly unveiled.

What Real Love is?

The most important requirement for out emotional health and happiness is Real Love. Real Love is caring about the happiness of another person withouht any thought for what we might get for ourselves. It's also Real Love when other people care about our happiness unconditionally. With Real Love, they're not disappointed or angry when we make our foolish mistakes, when we don't do what they want or even when we inconvenience them personally.

When I use the word happiness, I do not mean the brief and superficial pleasure that comes from money, sex, power and the conditional approval we earn from others when we behave as they want. Nor do I mean the temporary feeling of satisfaction we experience in the absence of immediate conflict or disaster. Real happiness is not the feeling we get from being entertained or making people do what we want. It's profound and lasting sense of peace and fulfillment that deeply satisfies and enlarges the soul. It doesn't go away when circumstances are difficult. It survives and even grows during hardship and struggle. True happiness is our entire reason to live, and it can only be obtained as we find Real Love and share it with others.

With Real Love, nothing else matters, without it, nothing else is enough.

2010-10-04T07:08:00.002+08:00

My 1st Experience out with friends for Hari Raya Outing.

Saw the title, It is true. In my 18 years of life, I never went out with friends for visiting.

You can start imagining how pathetic my life can be.

My life is pathetic because I am pathetic.

I just don't choose to go out with my friends at times because I rather be out alone.

One thing, I cannot tolerate is someone who is late. I think punctuality takes pride above all.

My kind of person is not someone who ' JANJI MELAYU' translated 'Malay Promises'.

People who knew me should also know that I usually get to my destination on time or way before that. I remember how I overslept while waiting for time to past before meeting my friends. I was late and told them that I will be there by 8.45 and true, I rushed there and reach 1 min before my stated timing. I think this is an act of being respectful to your peers or whoever it is. If you are late, gauge your time and tell the person that is waiting for you, what time you might be reaching and make sure you reach at that stated timing and if you still can't. Well at least, asked the person to go ahead first instead of holding back that persons time. You wouldn't know who wouldn't mind waiting or who would mind. Therefore, best way, play safe, reach on time.

Another thing is we should also be truthful. I think, many did this because I saw and heard it many times.

For example:

'A' give a call to 'B'.

A: Where are you?

B: I am on my way to the MRT,Bus Interchange or on my way out.

When in real fact 'B' was just putting on his/her shoes or still at home. This is a scenario many people used as an excuse to get people who are waiting for them feel that they are reaching soon, when they are not.

Secondly, please check each time before you leave your house or any place that your handphone, wallet, ezlink card or anything deem valuable or in need are with you. This is to avoid many trips back and this is the cause why some people are late.

So by side tracking to this, can I expect people who are meeting me to come on time?

I can only hope for now.

Like I said, I will never put on my this year costume and I'm glad I didn't when I was out with them. It was a humid day. What made me follow them was because I was being cajoled, I pity shikin and I had a free sunday, no homework, no test or examination to think about.

If you think, I was not being fair for the past 5 years in my secondary school.

You are wrong, when I am in secondary school, there was still exams that I had to look forward too and even when I had no exams, I have netball.

Let me share with you girls, the attire you should put on when you jalan raya.

Wear an attire that is comfortable for all weather. Be it, cold, humid, windy or rainy.
Wear flats. I know, everyone wish to be glamourous. Unless, you have hired a bus to your friends house or you take a car maybe you can consider wearing heels. You are not going to only one persons house, you are going to many other houses. I believe you don't want your feet to suffer when you want to enjoy.
Wear tights underneath. Some can feel the pain you experience around your thigh once you walk too much.

So on that day, I put on a costume that was 5 years back. If you think my costume was not nice, it was 5 years back trend, what would you expect? I wanted a costume that allows me to expand.hehe.I mean allows my tummy to grow without feeling uneasy. That was the only clothes that I think allows me.

I was disappointed, that some friends didn't make it. Can't blame them because it was Sunday and it was a family day. 6 people was just nice.

Fitri the planner, actually plan but the plan didn't turn out well. Can you imagine, we just go and actually call people on our way , but in the end his target of going to 8 houses was achieved and that 8 houses includes my house which I felt so ashamed of.Urgh.

So was my Mum that stingy when she gave duit raya? No right?

She is stingy with herself only. She just asked me to send her shoe to the cobbler to be glued back when actually she has the money to buy a new one and when actually she has a new one kept in the store. See how thrifty my mum can be.

Each house serves us food. No wonder we had to walk.

Yes, we walk a lot that day, from everywhere. We save our money. All this, must come with planning. Obviously, the planner was happy lor until he had to take photo with a bangla.

These are the guys that were with us. Who were funny at the same time.

I think we miss Nashrul and Hamka.

If not everything would be perfect

If you asked,

" Would I go for another Raya outing?"

Maybe not.

One Raya outing has been an experienced. Not that the one i went was bad but like what I said, I lead a pathetic life..

2010-10-04T06:08:00.002+08:00

"Grades are just number, it won't tell you, who you really are"

Results!

I think, I shouldn't be shy sharing my results. It may be deem good to you but not for my course.

I heard some friends got a straight 'A's. As you can see, I only had an A which was in

" Discovery Business Enterprise" module.

Yet, I'm thankful because, pathetically I failed my IT module in term 1 but redeem myself and got at least a B. I should thanked Mr Howard for his genorosity and not forgetting my group members who did a good job for the last project.

I look forward to team up with you guys again..

I have a feeling that I will do badly in PACC and Econs but, with this result, it is an eye opener for me to work harder next semester, though I heard it would be tough. I would thrive because as stressful as poly life could be, I can never give up.

People who knows me, should also know how hard working I can get. I'm ready to be the book nerd one more time. I will work hard.

For now, Jia you Rabi'atul.

and

Thank you Allah!

Did I tell you, I might be enjoying Poly life afterall. Thanks to the school holiday.

Why ,I said?

Remember how I used to be busy during holidays because I was caught up with netball, half the time. Actually no, in fact most of the time. Even though I was call back several time for SMART event and meeting. It was not tiring and I don't fret each time, I have to go to school.

One good thing about poly holiday is that when you are having your holiday, there won't be any teacher who would give you homework or call you back for extra lesson.

Holiday means holiday.

You can even leave your book untouched.

How nice right?

2010-09-28T00:12:00.003+08:00

They say time will make this all go away, but is time that has taken my tomorrow's and turned them into yesterday's.

It was just one of those days when you can walk around fooling everyone into thinking you're happy and look back and notice that every time you smile or laugh there is a little pang of hurt in your heart because you know you are lying to the people who mean the most to you.

They say,

" Some people wear their smiles like a disguise. Those people who smile a lot, watch their eyes."

I know cause I'm like that a lot. You think everything is ok, and it is, until it's not.

Life have been tough on me, all the bullets are shooting right at me.

Being someone kind, good or even being an epitome of a courteous person is never a great deal or neither something to be proud of.

I can't even be too friendly Everything gives me problem..

Many misjudged me. Well, I'll let the misjudgement continue because ample time, reasons and explanation I gave won't suffice the way you think of me or react towards me.

For all you know,

I'm not a girl who would deprived others of their education.

I'm not a girl who would snatch away my friend boyfriends.

I'm not a girl who is egocentric.

because my parents and aunt don't teach me this thing.

I know that many people are against me. I can read your facebook status and I believed after I write this post your facebook status would indirectly say things about me.

Go ahead. You don't know me.

I have my reasons why I preferably choose befriending with more guys than girls.

I have reasons to hide certain activities I had done because I believe that is my privacy and not yours to know.

I have reasons why I don't defend myself and put the blame on others when I know I was in a right.

What do you know about being a leader of a group? What do you know about the stress I face each time your name was mention? What do you know about your responsibility as a team?

What do you know about the sacrifices I made each night just to complete things?

And What do you know about me having to say on behalf of others just because they were confronted and was afraid to say out what they wanted to say?

" WHAT YOU KNOW ABOUT ALL THIS?"

You know nothing.

All you people know was that I am a girl who flirts, a girl who deprived others of their education, a girl who snatch your boyfriend away, a girl who can change the love of a guy they love to make them fall for her.

That is what your sentiments tell you and it will go on because you will never learn the truth and you will never be able to accept my story.

Let me tell you these, you can go on and malign about me. Tell everyone about me but also remember the sin you are making because you say the wrong things about me. You don't know me and you never will. Go on say things indirectly about me or tell your friends.

I know myself better and the story behind every incident.

You think I'm lying but no I'm not.

Instead you are because you are telling your friends lies about me when you don't get a full story.

Think again before you speak unsavoury things about me.

Is it worth it?